Monday, April 16, 2012

The Hardest Thing I've Ever Done

Addressing my pride, selfishness, lack of self-control, addictive behaviors and hurts/habits/hang-ups has been the HARDEST thing I've ever done.

Harder than:
  • Graduating with a BS Ed in Music Education
  • Natural Childbirth
  • Having a child on the autism spectrum
  • Having TWO sets of twins (5 kids total)
  • Struggling through a loveless marriage for many years (praise God for his restoration and reconciliation)
  • Home schooling our older three kids
  • Moving 18 times in 37 years
  • Losing loved ones
  • Losing friendships
  • Learning another language (although I obviously didn't master that.  I can barely remember the Spanish I took in High School and College)
  • Changing churches
  • Learning to spin for High School and College marching band
  • Interviewing for scholarships/jobs
  • Living without health insurance
  • My husband being laid off from his job just two months before we found out we were pregnant with our second set of twins
  • Learning to play the piano
  • Learning to play the flute
  • Singing/speaking/sharing in public
Why did I share this list?  It's not to boast or brag in myself or ANY of my accomplishments or struggles.  I pray God gets all the glory in my weaknesses.  I shared this list because I need reminding that only God can save me from myself.  Only God can remove the curse of sin and death from my life through what his son Jesus did on the cross. 

This list I pray serves as an encouragement to others to realize that I understand just how hard it is to lose a pound and to keep on losing those pounds, inches, old habits, behaviors, thoughts, struggles.  This journey is truly the most difficult one I've taken.  68 pounds and I'm not even half way there.  There are days that banana cream cheese cake still calls to me and that voice can often be louder than the still, small voice saying "You were made for more than this".  Then there are other days when the still small voice wins and love helps me remember that chips, salt, mashed potatoes, pizza piled high with toppings and other "fun" stuff isn't worth the pain, shame, guilt and continued denial I will face.

Oh get over yourself Janelle.  It can't be that big a deal.  Why bring Jesus into all of this?  It's just a "diet".  Surely some of the other stuff on that list MUST be harder than losing weight.  Well this is MY story, my life, my journey.  By sharing openly, honestly and transparently I can walk with my head held high even on the days when I slip, fall, overeat, don't exercise, obsess about food.  I can do that freely knowing that I'm not going to go back to the slavery of pain, shame, guilt and morbid obesity.  The truth really does set me free.  The Truth (Jesus Christ) and the truth (writing these difficult posts). 

Thanks as always to any of the brave souls that dare to come along on my journey with me.  Your encouragement means the world.

1 comment:

  1. It is very hard and after getting back to the weight I was when I lost the 80lbs 3 years ago, its even harder to stay on the same path. Maintaining is and even harder battle when you have issues with food, in my opinion. I often find myself going back to my old ways...eating an entire medium popcorn at a movie with a box of raisinettes and ordering a cheeseburger and fries. Some people are able to eat this on occasion and still maintain their weightloss. But for me, it just makes me want more. The addiction comes back. Its a constant struggle. A lot of the things you've listed have been completed and you've succeeded, but this is something you will be trying to complete and succeed for life! So I understand and completely agree with you- It is extremely hard!