Monday, January 30, 2012


Ugh.....somedays I don't even want to eat.  Today is one of those.  I just don't like ANYTHING that's in the cabinets or fridge.  Nothing tastes good, and having to plan and eat a healthy meal is too much work.  I know I have to eat.  I probably don't eat enough truth be told, but I hate it.  I've worked so hard to overcome a food addiction and with God's help I think I'm approaching the other side of the finish line. 

So....having to shop for, plan for, cook for, clean up after seven people is exhausting and makes me not even want to eat.  Honestly, some days I can't remember what meals I've eaten.  I need to find a way to track my meals.  I used and that worked.  I just forget about the program and forget to utilize it to it's full potential.  Just wanted to jot down how I was feeling.  Thanks as always for listening....


Sunday, January 29, 2012

Lost and Found

I have friends who have "found" themselves.  This process occurred by going to school, "coming out", getting divorced, changing jobs, having surgery, getting married, having kids, yoga, meditation...etc.  I always wondered what that meant.  I wondered how they went through a process of physical and emotional change and felt so different.  They honestly felt like they became who they were originally created. 

I too used to feel lost.  I would say in my journal or to a few trusted friends that I didn't know who I was and that I felt like I had "lost" who I was.  What I meant was my identity now includes wife, mother, student, friend, etc.  Different isn't bad, it's just different.  I couldn't reconcile in my mind and heart that "me" had new, different, more facets.  I felt cheated and saddened that I couldn't BE what I wanted to "be", even though I honestly didn't know what that looked like.  I thought I was supposed to feel something, anything different from what I was expereiencing at that time.  Granted, my feelings were very real and almost consumed me.  I felt hopeless, overwhelmed, saddened and confused.  Looking back now I realize that those were just feelings.  The truth was that my identity had NEVER changed.  Once I became a child of God my identity was SEALED by the Holy Spirit.

I don't look at "lost" and "found" the same way anymore.  Each mile I run in the woods, each pound I lose, each time I make a healthy choice or set a new boundary, I'm losing myself and it feels pretty good.  I'm losing the me that I made.  I'm losing the pain, the shame, the guilt and condemnation that I attached to myself.  You see these days I WANT to lose myself.  I want to allow less of me to be evident in EVERY way and to shine more of Him.  I want to become lost to this world.  I literally dreamt last night of immersing myself in God's Word.  I dreamed of becoming so lost in Him that nothing else mattered.  Not weight, not people's opinions, not my disappointments, fears or loneliness.  In my humble opinion it's not a matter of becoming someone, or becoming who you were meant to be, it's a process of realizing who you already are and embracing that.  I don't want to change because I'm sealed by the blood of Jesus Christ.  I'm clothed in His righteousness and I'm worthy, beautiful and holy ALL because of Him.

This body is just a shell.  Losing an ounce doesn't change ME.  My "human suit" is shrinking but only because my will, my spirit, my soul, my passions are becoming more like Christ.  My reasons for starting this journey and for losing weight are changing day by day.  My heart's cry is to live a life WELL lived, one that exemplifies to live is CHRIST to die is gain.  I just want to honor God through my body, my life, my words, my actions.  I'm just cleaning up the outside while God continues to work on the inside. 

So while the rest of the world keeps "finding themselves" I'm gonna keep on keeping on and LOSE myself a little more everyday. 

In Him,


Saturday, January 28, 2012

"Before" and "After" ish...

The picture on the left was at the harvest festival for Mtn. View church on Oct. 31, 2010.  The one on the right was taken after my workout by my trainer Leslie Raper on January 26, 2012.  I am down 55.1 pound as of this picture.  I a little over 1/3 of the way there.  Thanks for supporting me on this journey. 

I hope to get to my measurements next week.  I didn't measure on the 10/31/10 because honestly a regular tape measure wouldn't fit around me.  I measured in Sept. 2011 so I'll use those as my starting point I guess. 

Still working on C25K on my own and running with my trainer.  Yesterday I jogged 46 mintues and covered 2.75 miles.  Yeah me.  Registered for first race on February 11, 2012.  So much is happening.  I'm excited.

Hang in there and have a GREAT weekend.


Monday, January 23, 2012

Throwing it Out There

So blogs are about being transparent/honest, right???  Well at least mine is....I think (hehehehe). 

I HATE being the fattest woman in ZumbaPump class.  I felt like a beginner ALL over again.  I am sore, tired and grumpy.  There were new routines, and I couldn't get my feet to move properly.  My quads were killing me and I kept having to stop on the Pump part.  I hate having my boobs bounce everywhere.  I hate hearing my own thighs slap together.  Or maybe that was the sound of my big fat belly hitting my thighs? wasn't a pretty sound.

I'm not going to quit.  I'm not going anywhere.  I'm not going to gain my weight back.  I'm just being honest.  I'm venting.  It's my blog...hey get over it :-).  Tonight I felt a tad bit hopeless.  My eating was less than stellar.  My attitude far from energetic and my mindset not focused on the big picture.  Tonight I saw me...short, round, brown and plain.  Those are the four adjectives I used to describe myself for MANY years.  Although I guess now it's short, round, grey and plain...hahahaha.

One year into this thing and tonight you would have NEVER known it.  I looked uncoordinated, felt unbalanced and peed on myself at least once during class.  Going from FAT to fit tonight seems impossible.  Seeing my first digit change, seems like an impossibility as of this moment. 

BUT YET...I will go tomorrow to train with Leslie.  I will return to ZumbaPump class on Wed. night, and I will eat clean and healthy tomorrow.  I will keep pressing on, because I know it works.  I will keep trying because I AM different than I was a year ago.  I KNOW all of these things, but right now I don't FEEL them.  A year ago I would have gone with my feelings.  I would have stopped.  I wouldn't have recognized my faulty thinking.  I would have quit.  I'm grateful that even though tonight I feel like a failure, I realize that I'm NOT.  I'm grateful that at least I can move (not like those Hispanic women...but I can move).  I'm grateful to live in America, and to have enough health and financial ability to even take a class.  I could keep listing and listing the things I'm grateful for tonight.  Maybe I'll stop ranting now....

Still on this journey,



Sunday, January 22, 2012

The Soundtrack for My Journey

So there are some songs that have really inspired me during this journey and have kept my feet moving, my heart hoping and my mind focused.  Some of them I workout to, others I use during quiet times.  All of them are special in some way.  I wanna share them with you.

Natalie Grant-Daring to BE
My theme for 2011

My Theme for 2012

1. Only the World
2. True Beauty
3. Waiting for Tomorrow
4. Broken Hallelujah

Natalie Grant:
1. Desert Song

Kari Jobe:
1. You are For Me (I don't work out to this one, but man does it speak to me in times of need)
2. You are Good
3. Healer
4. Revelation Song
5. O the Blood

 Brooke Fraser:
1. Shadowfeet
2. Faithful

1. With All I Am
2. From the Inside Out
3. This is Our God
4. Stronger
5. Forever Reign

1. God I Look to You

Jesus Culture:
1. You Won't Relent
2. How He Loves Us

Israel Houghton:
1. Moving Forward
2. Our God is Greater

Misty Edwards:
1. I Will Run (Thanks Leslie)

Travis Cottrell:
1. In Christ Alone

Toby Mac:
1.Get Back Up
2. Made to Love You

This isn't an exhaustive list of songs that minister to me, but it should give you a few to relate to or even check out yourself.  Blessings to you fellow sojourners.

In Him,


Training for this 5K

So I've been using the C25K program aka Couch 25K (app) on my Droid.  It's been really helpful and I've risen to the challenge more successfully than I orginally thought.  However, the time to my first race is short, so I've had to skip some of the days.  Yesterday I did Wk. 4 day 1.  I'm hoping to figure out a way to post my stats on this blog. 

My first race will be on February 11, 2012 here in Black Mountain, NC.  My Valentine and my sweet kiddos will be there to watch me start AND finish.  I'm fully aware that I may be the last one across the line, but I WILL CROSS that line.  My personal goal is to walk/jog this race in less than 45 minutes. 

Yesterday it was rainy and dreary.  Nathan and I sang at the funeral of a dear friend.  I was a little sad and preoccupied.  I was looking for an excuse not to run, but my loving, supportive husband helped me see that running was the best thing for me.  I went and ran part of the 5K route.  It was good, just what I needed.

20 days until my race.  20 days to prepare myself physcially and mentally.  After my race Nathan said he would take me to eat and I think we are going to get away for a night or two.  Isn't that the best ever????

Here's the link to C25K  Let me know how it works for you.  If you have any suggestions on becoming a runner let me know.  I'm open :-)

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Just a Few Pics

I need to take some updated photos, but here is where I came from (in various stages).  Thought you might want to see.

Family Vacation 2007????

Nathan and I at Arlington National Cemetery in Dec. 2007 (I think)

Me (cell phone pic) May 2006

Me holding James in March/April 2010

Me at Stephania's engagement party in '05 (I'm horrible with dates these days)

Me holding James at the children's dedication service May 2010

Another shot at the dedication

These aren't the's a reminder of my "before" pic on October 31, 2010.

Tomorrow I will be taking some new photos.  I hope to load them to show you my progress.  Also I will be posting some measurements. 

Here's to a healther, happier, thinner me!!!

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

New Year...New Me

So 2012 is finally here!  I did not gain a pound over Thanksgiving or Christmas.  I was pretty psyched about that!!!

I want to get some goals written down so I can have accountability on this journey.  I want to go into the New Year with reasonable, healthy goals and a plan to accomplish them!

Goals for Health/Weight Loss (2012):
1. FINALLY get below 200 pounds (first time since 2000)
2. Restore proper digestive function and increase the strength of my immune system.
3. Continue to work with Leslie Raper weekly.
4. Compete in my first 5K. Complete it WITHOUT stopping. This could be combo jog/walk. I just want to do it in less than 45 minutes.
5. Visit the chiropractor once a month (all of us)
6. Get regular massages (hey a girl can dream)
7. Move EVERYDAY (walking, playing, jogging, exercise class/DVD)
8. Get over my "food fear".  I want to actually enjoy or attempt to enjoy meal planning/shopping/cooking etc.
9. I want to eat at least two fruits and two vegetables DAILY.
10.  Get at least 7 hours sleep nightly.

I'm gonna stop there because if I try too many more I'm sure NOT to succeed.  Keep me accountable.  Ask how I'm doing.  Pray for me.  Think of me.  Check in on me on a regular basis.  Thanks for listening.  Happy New Year!