Reality Vs. Perception

I've been forced to stop at this spot on my journey towards health/wholeness.  Yep, the dreaded "Reality Check".  You know the place where you THINK you are, but you find out really WHERE you are.  "Are we there yet?", "Are we there yet?", "Are we there YET?"....moments.  This is the place in the journey where you think you can relax, lay back and enjoy the ride, but then you get sleepy and almost vere completely off the path and crash.  So unless you want your journey to end up in a fireball of defeat you must pay the toll and stop at this reality check.

There have been several of these stops along my life's journey.  I think days of reckoning come more often than not to be honest.  Crises can often cause action to take place.  I think about times I've stopped and honestly viewed my life.  I mean really took a look at where I had been, where I was and where I wanted to go in life.  Those times are precious.  Growth occurs and change takes place.  Then there are the stops where I've tried to rush through and instead of progressing I came to a crashing halt.  Mired in the pit of shame, guilt and defeat I lost time and precious opportunity to see more, experience more, become more. 

Well my path has lead me to another such place of reckoning.  I have been forced to slow down and approach this reality check during the month of February.  I have had MAJOR successes and major letdowns all within a few short days.  Some of the things I've learned during this pit stop are: 1. I must be aware of what I'm eating at all times.  Really there aren't any "days off", "meals off" for me.  I ate like crap for a week and two weeks later I ended up having a horrible attack of gastritis and problems with my ulcer.  2.  I must be aware of HOW much I'm eating at all times.  Skipping meals isn't good.  Eating too much doesn't get me ANY closer to my goal.  Reality in the arena of food portion size is a whole new world.  3.  I simply must move MORE.  I worked so hard to run my first 5K and since February 11th I haven't even walked.  Isn't that horrible?  I've tried, I've wanted to, I've planned to, but I HAVEN'T.  What's that about?  If I want my metabolism to speed up and I want to see this flab gone I'm gonna have to work harder and work more often.  4.  If I want to experience a simple life I have to SIMPLIFY.  This means getting rid of excess...physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.  5.  Consistency, consistency, consistency.  This isn't going to happen in one day.  This is a new way of life.  6.  If I want change then I'm GOING to have be the change.  No one else can do this for me.  This journey is my own!!!!  I can receive help, but ultimately each ounce I lose is up to ME!!!  and my final REALITY 7.  My weight at it's highest OR lowest point doesn't make me who I am but this journey to get to wholeness DOES!!!! 

I am so thankful though that through God's Word I can see myself for who I really am.  I so grateful that my reality and my perception of myself are looking more and more the same daily.  I'm still a work in progress, but at least I'm still working!!!

Feeling Yucky

So I'm not sure if it's viral, or another bout of gastritis.  Maybe it's my mystery ulcer?  Who knows what it is, but I'm miserable.  I'm feeling pretty puny right now and frustrated.  I'm gonna keep on keeping on though and praying that I get better. 

I did overeat, eat unclean for approximately a week after my 5K and I've blogged about that already.  I wonder if I set myself  up for something?  Praying for wisdom, discernment and relief!!!

The Season of Lent

No this isn't a post about giving up chocolate...hehehehe

We ARE going to observe Lent as a family this year.  We have not worshipped in a liturgical church for several years (since 2005).  During these next forty days the Flint family is going to practice and observe simplicity, Sabbath, resting, meditation, togetherness.  By giving up things that distract us (the good for the best) it is my prayer that we would encounter Jesus and understand the fullness of His Salvation for us.  Nathan is going to be leading us in morning and evening devotions, prayer and Scripture reading.  The kids will be reading also and we will be writing Scripture daily.  I will try and update via blog as to what we are experiencing as a family.

I have a few books on my reading list for this time period.  I have set some goals and am THRILLED about this journey.  Lent doesn't have to be sad...just solemn.  Solemn isn't bad.  Most of my life I've been too hyper, too stimulated, too overwhelmed.  This time of reflection, meditation, journaling is not only going to benefit me and my family spiritually I pray that I can see a breakthrough physically.  I have a goal of being below 200 pounds for the first time in 12 years.  I want to see 199 by May 20th.  That's 88 days from today.  On May 20th I hope to run in the Biltmore Kiwani's 5K on the Biltmore Estate.  I hope to have a group of friends with me (this time running beside/with me). 

This journey of weight loss has definitely been a spiritual one for me.  I have realized that I have spent years of my life sinning against myself and destroying my body.  I've hurt those I've loved and I've grieved the very heart of God.  Years I've experienced shame, guilt, sorrow, fear and mistrust all surrounding food and relationships.  It's all connected for me and I'm so excited to see and experience even more revelation during this 40 day journey.  As I journey to the cross I pray that spiritually and figuratively that there would be LESS of me and MORE of HIM!!!

Blessings to you all,

Janelle

A "Fork" in the Road

Isn't it ironic that a fat person would have to choose a path, a FORK in the road???  I've blogged recently about my issues with overeating, making bad choices, feeling out of control.  I've also blogged about my recent breakthrough and my very first 5K.  Two roads, two choices, two paths.  So different, both with results, consequences, rewards and disappointments.

Both of these paths have called to me.  I've found myself making choices based upon emotions, feelings, other people's opinions, my own fears and agendas.  Sometimes I take the right path, sometimes I've wandered into the land of breakdown and felt so lost, alone and hopeless.  I feel as if I am this point again in my life.  I'm stading on the road wanting to make it to the finish line yet faced with a choice of which direction to take.  I've taken shortcuts too often in my life.  I've looked for ways that might be pretty, easy, make me feel warm and fuzzy while I travel.  The road to DENIAL though is far different from the road to VICTORY. 

Matthew 7:13-14 says "Enter through the narrow gate. For the gate is wide and the road is broad that leads to destruction, and there are many who go through it.  How narrow is the gate and difficult the road that leads to life, and few find it."  Once again I'm not trying to lose weight so I can fit through a "narrow" gate...hehehehe.  I'm trying to find LIFE and find it abundantly.  I want to choose the path that brings honor to God and life to me and my family.  The Message paraphrase puts that passage like this "Don't look for shortcuts to God. The market is flooded with surefire, easygoing formulas for a successful life that can be practiced in your spare time. Don't fall for that stuff, even though crowds of people do. The way to life—to God!—is vigorous and requires total attention."  That last part "is vigorous and requires total attention" is what really grabs me.  Am I giving my total attention to life or am I just standing at the fork in the road waiting for someone else to choose for me?  Planning, working, making progress, these things all take intention and patience, ambition, tenacity, wisdom.  

Right now my heart is heavy and my mind filled with thoughts, dreams and desires.  I feel almost sick with a sense of urgency.  I HAVE to keep on keepin' on.  I must keep going.  I simply have to finish this.  I might have gotten stalled, but I'm not stopping!!!

So I'm headed down the narrow path, through the narrow gate, toward BREAKTHROUGH.  Victory is calling me and although it's still far off, I can hear the crowd of witnesses calling to me.  I can hear those who have prayed for me, cheered me on, walked this journey ahead of me calling me to keep coming.  I am gonna keep putting one foot in front of the other, pick myself up, keep working, keep crying, keep sweating, keep trying, keep crying, keep believing, keep praying, keep learning, keep changing, keep dreaming, keep asking for revelation, keep moving.  I'm choosing THIS day to walk towards BREAKTHROUGH!!!

I've chosen my path.  The fork in the road seemed daunting, but I'm laying down my pride, fear and doubt and I'm choosing HEALTH, wholeness, peace and joy.  Wanna come with me??? 

Out of Control

Ok.....once again I'm sharing something extremely personal.  I'm praying that by sharing that I can get out from under it's "power".  I don't find it strange that this would happen right on the heels of such an important breakthrough.  I'm feeling completely out of control, and my eating is showing it.  I know there is something spiritual to this battle too.

We had the blessing of staying at a local Bed and Breakfast, the Inn Around the Corner.  Nancy Schnepp is a WONDERFUL cook and she and her husband Roger are just precious people with the gift of hospitality.  Saturday night Nathan and I indulged at a local restaurant, Que Sera.  I had duck with a black cherry glaze and wilted spinach.  I also had bread, wine, cookies, you name it.  I told Leslie on Tuesday that I hadn't over done.  I honestly thought I hadn't and in perspective to the OLD me, I did MUCH better.  However, for the NEW me I blew it.  I set myself up for TOTAL failure.  Some serious trigger foods.  Then Nathan made cookies, homemade chocolate chips, AWESOME cookies.  I had four yesterday.  What's the deal???  Yes, I can blame some of this on hormones as I'm on day 28 of my cycle (TMI I know).  I've skipped meals to try and make up for it (BIG mistake).  I've had smoothies, I've pushed water, I've eaten vegetables, I've tried all of these "things", but I've not gotten back on track.  I've eaten poorly.  I skipped a workout on Thursday because I wasn't feeling physically or mentally up to it.  Edgy, guilty, hopeless, shameful, angry, frustrated...these are some emotions I've felt this week. 
Just because the food is before me doesn't mean I have to eat it.  Why did I break down this week???

I am GOING to start journaling again today.  I have used My Fitness Pal in the past, but I have some questions about it.  It's hard to know how to count some of the foods.  Knowing how many calories, serving size, etc. can be difficult.  I want to read Master Your Metabolism and the Eat Clean Diet books.  I've thought about a cleanse/fast.  I've even looked into inpatient treatment.  I'm so desperate right now. 

Just typing this has made me feel a little better.  A friend of mine told me just recently (in a comment here) that she can tell I don't ever "want to go back".  That is so true.  I don't want to be the "old" me, the distracted me, the me that was in denial, the me with the "hole in my soul" that I filled with food, relationships, things instead of Jesus. 

Have a good weekend, and if you think of it...pray for me, think of me, leave me a comment. 

Janelle

Dreams

"A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes"....

Last month Nathan and I joined my Mom and Dad for the annual Jazz festival at the Grove Park Inn.  We enjoyed the John Pizzarelli quartet immensely and hope to return next year for more fabulous music in a wonderful setting.  However....next year my dream is to make a weekend of it.  I would love for Nathan and I to stay at the GPI for the weekend and for me to walk into the Grand ballroom in a little black dress (preferrably a size 16 or smaller).  Maybe one that looks a little like this...

 I don't know something slinky, sleeveless and sparkly.  A far cry from the sweatpants I was confined to for so many years.  I've got more dreams, but I'm not sure I'm ready to share them.

Breakthrough

I completed my first 5K race on Saturday here in Black Mountain, NC.  It was a VERY chilly 18 degrees.  The annual Valentine's Run was a success and I finished in 43:01 almost 2 minutes UNDER my personal goal.  I also was NOT the last person across the finish line.  There's an odd bit about that "goal".  Even as I was running the race I was thinking, you know the person that finishes last still wins if he/she is trying their hardest.  I stayed after I crossed the line and cheered on the people that finished after me.  There were other races that had done that for me, so I wanted to show others the same courtesy.  What a feeling it was to see the finish line!  There really aren't words to tell you the power I felt as I sprinted, yes sprinted, to cross the line.  The big red digital clock said 42:51, but my "official" time was 43:01.  My family and friends were waiting for me at the finish and my husband ran towards me and then beside me as I crossed.  There were hugs, tears and words of encouragement.  I'm hooked.  I want to do it again.  I can easily see how people become addicted to running.

I have come so far.  I have made such progress.  I have made big accomplishments, acheived many goals, but I haven't crossed my ULTIMATE finish line.  Many more pounds, many more inches, many more fitness goals are yet to be conquered.  This is one of the toughest parts of my journey, learning to balance excitement, pride, a false sense of security, willpower, joy, etc.  I want to keep working.  I don't EVER want to go back.  There just has to be a better way.  I can't go back.  It still feels so odd saying to people..."I did well", "It was good day", "Yes, I've lost almost 60 pounds".  These kinds of statements still feel like bragging.  When I share something good or positive it feels selfish.  What's that about?  Does this ever get any easier?  When will I not feel so overwhelmed?

Yet, even in the midst of all of this, Sat. was a breakthrough.  I'm definitely hooked.  Clean eating, fitness, running, exercising, it's where it's at.  I'm a different person.  Sat. showed me that I CAN do all things through Christ.  I had faith that I could run a 5K and I did it with God's help and a lot of hard work of my own.  I also had the support of two friends that ran beside me (Leslie Raper/trainer, and Drew Jorgensen/friend and sponsor).  There was my sweet husband and three oldest children at the finish line, and my dear friends Jan and Mandy.  I am such a blessed woman.

Change is not only possible...it DOES happen.  Not to the person with the most money, most luck, right place/right time.  It happens to normal, hard-working, people with faith who are willing to even be willing.  Hang in there.  I BELIEVE IN YOU!!!

I'm NOT a Miley Cyrus fan, but I do like this song.  Here's "The Climb".

Insanity

Most of you are probably familiar with the "definition" of insanity that says "doing the same thing but expecting different results." Sometimes I feel as if I have been insane in many areas of my life.  Obviously I didn't get to 285.6 overnight.  Lately, I have been really wondering...how did I get there?  How am I going to find my way back to "healthy"?  I want to dig deeper.  I want to change the things that haven't worked and to embrace reality.  I want to view ALL areas of my life with the clear lens of godly counsel, the Word of God, and truth, not fear.

I have been a part of a program, Celebrate Recovery, for 6 1/2 years.  This program is loosely based on the 12-steps of AA.  There is a step that says "We came to believe that a power greater than us could restore us to sanity".  That higher power IS Jesus Christ.  He is restoring me to sanity.  I feel as if I've made big strides when it comes to fitness, exercise, health and accountability.  I still struggle though with food choices, organization, shopping, cooking, attitudes that surround food, and consistent losing of pounds.  I tend to be more up and down than I would like.  I want to come to full realization of negative patterns, behaviors and habits that are holding me back and keeping me from succeeding.  I am praying for pure motives and a clean heart.  I don't want to lose a pound if it is replaced with pride.

So I journey on, daily praying for revelation, willpower, strength to get to the next phase of my journey.  I keep pressing on to the prize.  I started a group on Facebook called the Phil. 3:14 posse to support each other in weight loss/fitness goals.  Phil 3:14 in the New Living Translation says "I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us."  It has been great to meet new women and to connect with others who are on a journey towards health/wholeness/freedom/weight loss. 

I want to be healthy, whole, thinner, sane and joyful.  I have big dreams, but I have an even bigger GOD!!!

Fat 2 Fit by FAITH.  Ok...there's also a lot of hard work involved too, BUT I can only do it by faith.



 

How Do You Measure Success???

So I haven't taken my measurements since September 2011.  I should have taken them when I started my journey in Oct. 2010.  Honestly though I didn't have a tape measure that even fit around me.  I was too embarassed to ask Nathan or anyone for help.  Today though I asked Nathan to help me with my new pink $.98 tape measure from the grocery store.  Guess what????  I've lost 41.75 inches since Sept. 2011.  Isn't that AMAZING???  I've lost 14 inches from my waist alone.  I can't even begin to tell you how encouraged I was after adding up all of those numbers and realizing that YES I'm smaller.  I mean I knew my clothes sizes had changed but wowzers. 

I know that the numbers really aren't where it's at.  I am aware that I should be pleased with ANY progress and not hung up on weight/measurements.  However, I am an insecure person.  I must admit that I was pleased to see the difference.  I know that success can be measured by my attitude, feelings, mindset, vocabulary, etc.  So maybe I should focus on a few of those too???

Here are some other ways I've been successful.  When I shop I look at labels rather than price tags.  Don't get me wrong, I HATE that eating healthier is more expensive, BUT I keep buying free-range, organic, NO high fructose corn syrup.  You get my drift.  Feeding seven of us on a budget is hard, but I'm learning and growing everytime I go to the store.  It's becoming a little less daunting each time. Another measurement of success is the fact that I don't mind trying on clothes.  In fact, I actually enjoy shopping now.  How about that I use different words when I talk about food, exercise.  My body AND my mind are changing.  I actually crave movement.  I want to eat vegetables and I NEED more sleep.  My expectations are changing and my view of reality is MUCH more truthful.  I am forever grateful for these changes.

So I'm thinner, healthier and happier.  There is more strength, grace, and beauty in my days and I feel hope for the first time in over a decade.  Life is GOOD and that's the best measurement of all.