You couldn't convince me that I would ever be a runner. To tell you the truth I'm not sure that I still qualify as a runner. I jog. Being fast will never be an issue for me. I'm not looking for my next "PR". I don't belong to a running group or have the latest gear. However, I have discovered the gift of moving my body in a rhythm outside in God's creation. The freedom, joy and peace that comes when walking/jogging/running is empowering, liberating and worth celebrating.
I found this song a while back and I want to share it with you. I have spent most of my adult life dealing with anxiety, fear and shame. Running from things and avoiding confrontation was a way of life. Facing my "stuff" head on wasn't something I embraced until 2005 when I was introduced to a ministry called Celebrate Recovery. So this song is about my new way of viewing life. I'm not running from, I'm running TO something. I'm running toward my loving father.
Be blessed as you learn the joy of running (whether literally or spiritually or BOTH)!!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g8MIz0FYvAU
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
Sunday, May 12, 2013
A Very Puzzling Question
Yesterday as I was doing a training jog with my pastors, Joe Chambers and Tim Moore, I was asked a puzzling question. Tim asked if I could realize emotionally or physically the transformation I have undergone. He mentioned how the change is very evident to other people. He said that almost weekly he and his wife Melissa could see a difference.
I really am going to have to think about this one. This is a very good subject for me to grapple with and honestly inspect my thoughts and feelings. I believe there might be some left over hurt, pain and ways of thinking that might be clogging my continued progress. The finish line is in sight and if I want to cross it, I've got to regain focus. A new sense of passion and purpose can come from celebrating successes and making small, realistic goals.
In terms of spiritual and emotional progress the answer came more quickly. A resounding YES!!! I know that I am a much different woman in the areas of my thinking, habits, approach to food, realization of my food addiction, etc. than I was in Oct. of 2010. I don't say that lightly. I still struggle and there are days that I want to overeat. However, the conviction/realization of my error comes so quickly and I am able to slow down and realize that the food didn't taste as good as success. My body is NOT my own. I've been bought with a price and for me to just mindlessly eat food, or even worse, to make a purposeful choice to overeat or eat unhealthy foods is an issue to me now. Yes, I'm aware that this sounds crazy, legalistic and super spiritual to some of you. For me...it's part of my faith. It's part of my daily living out my love and honor for the One who saved me, redeemed me and changed my life forever!!!
Of course I realize I'm smaller because I am having to buy new clothes. However, I still don't really truly "get it". The other night JoyAnn and I were shopping at Target. I kept holding up these clothes and thinking "these must be for really skinny people". I brought some things into the dressing room and some of them were the right size and some of them obviously weren't. I'm somewhere between a large and a medium. Although women's clothing is ridiculous. I have everything from a medium to an XL in my closet. It's just hard to know what will fit and I don't always have the time to try everything on before I leave the store. It was nice to know that I can fit into different things. I'm not pleased that most medium/large shirts are sleeveless or have very short sleeves. My arms will NEVER be what I want them to be (without skin removal surgery). My three year old James says they are "flappy dough arms". I'm not interested in "skinny jeans" EVER. I don't even want to try anything that says "mid rise". The scales and/or tag might say a certain number but my body tells a VERY different story. Years of obesity, five children, two sets of twins, shame, guilt, up and down weight fluctuations really take a toll or your physique.
This is a struggle for me. I'm very proud of how far I've come. I KNOW that it is worth every tear, every drop of sweat, every run, jog, walk, lifting session. However, I don't want to become prideful, obsessed or "miss the mark" when it comes to the true point/depth of this transformation process. Skin removal surgery would be helpful in terms of cosmetic, but is it the right thing for me? Nathan loves me, even though I look like a Shar Pei. He is the only one (minus a doctor or physician) that will ever have to see the not so pretty, complete picture of who I am. Nathan sees that physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally and loves me unconditionally. On the other hand after YEARS of hard work, wouldn't it be worth the pain of the surgeries to finally realize my goal and SEE it with my own eyes. We don't have insurance, so is the cost worth it? Are the scars worth it? Should I endure pain and long recovery times just to fit into a certain size or wear a sleeveless shirt and not be ashamed? Maybe, JUST maybe the issue isn't my sags and bags...it's still a wounded heart??? I'm not sure. I'm praying through all of this.
I need to update my site with a most recent picture. I need to keep the transformation ever before me so I don't lose sight of who I am. Thanks as always for taking the time to read as I take the time to continue to ponder.....do I realize, can I realize the depth of this process???
I really am going to have to think about this one. This is a very good subject for me to grapple with and honestly inspect my thoughts and feelings. I believe there might be some left over hurt, pain and ways of thinking that might be clogging my continued progress. The finish line is in sight and if I want to cross it, I've got to regain focus. A new sense of passion and purpose can come from celebrating successes and making small, realistic goals.
In terms of spiritual and emotional progress the answer came more quickly. A resounding YES!!! I know that I am a much different woman in the areas of my thinking, habits, approach to food, realization of my food addiction, etc. than I was in Oct. of 2010. I don't say that lightly. I still struggle and there are days that I want to overeat. However, the conviction/realization of my error comes so quickly and I am able to slow down and realize that the food didn't taste as good as success. My body is NOT my own. I've been bought with a price and for me to just mindlessly eat food, or even worse, to make a purposeful choice to overeat or eat unhealthy foods is an issue to me now. Yes, I'm aware that this sounds crazy, legalistic and super spiritual to some of you. For me...it's part of my faith. It's part of my daily living out my love and honor for the One who saved me, redeemed me and changed my life forever!!!
Of course I realize I'm smaller because I am having to buy new clothes. However, I still don't really truly "get it". The other night JoyAnn and I were shopping at Target. I kept holding up these clothes and thinking "these must be for really skinny people". I brought some things into the dressing room and some of them were the right size and some of them obviously weren't. I'm somewhere between a large and a medium. Although women's clothing is ridiculous. I have everything from a medium to an XL in my closet. It's just hard to know what will fit and I don't always have the time to try everything on before I leave the store. It was nice to know that I can fit into different things. I'm not pleased that most medium/large shirts are sleeveless or have very short sleeves. My arms will NEVER be what I want them to be (without skin removal surgery). My three year old James says they are "flappy dough arms". I'm not interested in "skinny jeans" EVER. I don't even want to try anything that says "mid rise". The scales and/or tag might say a certain number but my body tells a VERY different story. Years of obesity, five children, two sets of twins, shame, guilt, up and down weight fluctuations really take a toll or your physique.
This is a struggle for me. I'm very proud of how far I've come. I KNOW that it is worth every tear, every drop of sweat, every run, jog, walk, lifting session. However, I don't want to become prideful, obsessed or "miss the mark" when it comes to the true point/depth of this transformation process. Skin removal surgery would be helpful in terms of cosmetic, but is it the right thing for me? Nathan loves me, even though I look like a Shar Pei. He is the only one (minus a doctor or physician) that will ever have to see the not so pretty, complete picture of who I am. Nathan sees that physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally and loves me unconditionally. On the other hand after YEARS of hard work, wouldn't it be worth the pain of the surgeries to finally realize my goal and SEE it with my own eyes. We don't have insurance, so is the cost worth it? Are the scars worth it? Should I endure pain and long recovery times just to fit into a certain size or wear a sleeveless shirt and not be ashamed? Maybe, JUST maybe the issue isn't my sags and bags...it's still a wounded heart??? I'm not sure. I'm praying through all of this.
I need to update my site with a most recent picture. I need to keep the transformation ever before me so I don't lose sight of who I am. Thanks as always for taking the time to read as I take the time to continue to ponder.....do I realize, can I realize the depth of this process???
Saturday, May 4, 2013
Training
Ok.....today I will register for my first half-marathon. I can't even believe I'm typing these words or considering pushing my body to run 13.1 miles. If all goes well on July 20, 2013 I will be participating in the windhorse run. I will be running alongside of my pastors. We had our first training run yesterday. Not quite four miles. My mind tells me I can't do this. My heart tells me I can. Praying that my heart wins.
I've only run 10+ miles once. It was on a series of trails in Montreat, NC. Our group ran leisurely. It was about fun, distance, enjoying the sunshine. We stopped when we needed to stretch, get a drink or use the bathroom. I don't know how I'm going to do this, but I'm going to try. My crunchy knee reminds me of the years of obesity.
Speaking of which...seriously how much weight does a girl have to lose before she's not "obese" anymore. I think if I hear the Wii Fit program say "that's obese" once more I'll vomit. 109 pounds isn't good enough? Runtastic says I'm obese. My scale says I'm obese....guess I'm still OBESE. 124 will NEVER happen. 140...that's more like it. Trying to stay positive in a world with mixed messages and charts, graphs, numbers, sizes, measurements can be tough. One pound at a time, that's all I can celebrate.
We've had several days of sunshine here in Everett. This entire weekend is to be sunny and in the 70's. I am hoping today involves a walk, run, hike or trip to the park. I'm praying that I can spend time with my friend Melissa on a trail. Sunshine is a GIFT and I'm not going to take it for granted. Keep reading. Keep trying. Keep believing in me AND in yourself. Change is possible. I'm missing my running gals from back home, but oh how you would love the view here. Blessings to whomever might read and have a fabulous weekend.
I've only run 10+ miles once. It was on a series of trails in Montreat, NC. Our group ran leisurely. It was about fun, distance, enjoying the sunshine. We stopped when we needed to stretch, get a drink or use the bathroom. I don't know how I'm going to do this, but I'm going to try. My crunchy knee reminds me of the years of obesity.
Speaking of which...seriously how much weight does a girl have to lose before she's not "obese" anymore. I think if I hear the Wii Fit program say "that's obese" once more I'll vomit. 109 pounds isn't good enough? Runtastic says I'm obese. My scale says I'm obese....guess I'm still OBESE. 124 will NEVER happen. 140...that's more like it. Trying to stay positive in a world with mixed messages and charts, graphs, numbers, sizes, measurements can be tough. One pound at a time, that's all I can celebrate.
We've had several days of sunshine here in Everett. This entire weekend is to be sunny and in the 70's. I am hoping today involves a walk, run, hike or trip to the park. I'm praying that I can spend time with my friend Melissa on a trail. Sunshine is a GIFT and I'm not going to take it for granted. Keep reading. Keep trying. Keep believing in me AND in yourself. Change is possible. I'm missing my running gals from back home, but oh how you would love the view here. Blessings to whomever might read and have a fabulous weekend.
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
The Fine Line of Grace
Yes....I should extend myself grace. I realize this is a weight loss journey. However, I can't extend grace to myself when I overeat in a premeditated setting. Nathan and I had a date on Monday night and AS we were walking into the restaurant I remember thinking "ask them NOT to bring chips and salsa". However, when the chips came I ate my weight in guacamole. I also didn't mind ordering dinner after I gorged myself. Yes, the conversation was nice. I enjoyed my husband's uninterrupted time IMMENSELY, BUT I didn't make wise choices and I could have. I should have ordered a salad. I could have.... You get the drift.
Yes, sometimes there are unavoidable bobbles when it comes to eating/overeating. However, I could have avoided the pineapple casserole at last nights dinner. I could have made a different choice at Avocado's on Monday night. I don't have to buy sweets at the grocery store. I CAN decide to eat healthy, "real" foods.
Grace...yes there is grace. Today IS a new day. Each meal holds its own choices. However, I HAVE to keep it real. I have to grow from my mistakes and I have to keep on keeping on in this journey.
Thanks for letting me rant. Today I WILL be under my calorie goal. Today I WILL move my body. Today I will plan my meals and feel good about them. Today I WILL drink enough water. Today I will remember that I've lost 100+ pounds BUT I have more to lose and that can't happen if I keep ignoring the small things.
Have a good day and yes I'm thankful for God's grace that even allowed me a four hundred and seventy second chance (ok...maybe I exaggerated a bit) to lose weight.
Yes, sometimes there are unavoidable bobbles when it comes to eating/overeating. However, I could have avoided the pineapple casserole at last nights dinner. I could have made a different choice at Avocado's on Monday night. I don't have to buy sweets at the grocery store. I CAN decide to eat healthy, "real" foods.
Grace...yes there is grace. Today IS a new day. Each meal holds its own choices. However, I HAVE to keep it real. I have to grow from my mistakes and I have to keep on keeping on in this journey.
Thanks for letting me rant. Today I WILL be under my calorie goal. Today I WILL move my body. Today I will plan my meals and feel good about them. Today I WILL drink enough water. Today I will remember that I've lost 100+ pounds BUT I have more to lose and that can't happen if I keep ignoring the small things.
Have a good day and yes I'm thankful for God's grace that even allowed me a four hundred and seventy second chance (ok...maybe I exaggerated a bit) to lose weight.
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