What Defines Me?

So the scales today said 200.0.  I'm about to be below 200 for the first time in 11 years.  I've been working toward this goal since 10/31/2010.  It isn't my final goal, but it is the1st of many.  As excited as I am about this I've really been thinking lately.  Does a number define me? 

I am struggling to find center, balance, and my place in it all.  Some days I'm "on top of the world".  Lately though I've been off balance.  The chaos of my life has caused an emotional vertigo.  Spiraling out of control are my wants, plans, dreams, feelings, fears, doubts and what I know to be true in my heart.  It's a battle of wills.  Mine against God's, and I wonder why I'm having such a time of letting go of the last shreds of my will.  I question myself as to why I am afraid.  What could REALLY be better than living the abundant life in Christ?  Nothing!  So why do I hold back?

July has been a difficult month.  A feeling of disconnect from my family and my God has left me all but paralyzed emotionally.  My mojo has been missing in regards to jogging regularly and I have been weaker in workouts than I would like.  Weight loss has been slow and I am fighting discouragement and doubt more than in months.  Unkind words, deeds and actions have been my norm and I've hurt myself and others regularly.  Tears have been plenty, hurts have framed my thinking and my feelings have taken too big a part on the stage of my life. 

I need a breath of fresh air.  Longing for newness of purpose and passion I keep doing what is comfortable but struggling with the pinching pains of change.  I feel weary to the core and thoughts of quitting are taunting me.  I long for the promised land, but have dreams of Egypt.  Who am I?  What defines me?  What makes me?

Sara Groves has a song that speaks to me.  I want to share it with you all. I really want to press on to victory.  Revelation, understanding and true humility and my desires.  The sand is worth it IF it brings me closer to Jesus.   

Thanks for reading fellow pilgrims.  This journey is hard, but let's make the most of it!!

Crunchy Knees and Divided Hearts

Snap, crackle pop.  Remember that old Rice Krispies commercial?  Well lately that's been the sound that resonates from me.  My right knee has become increasingly more and more "crunchy".  There hasn't been much pain until recently.  I was adjusted last week by my chiropractor and my teacher/trainer has given me some exercises to isolate my knee and to strengthen hips etc.  So I'm praying that the pain/crunch will get better.  Also, I'm going to buy a support and keep on keeping on with my training program.  Learning to listen to my body and know when to rest is hard for me, but it's a skill I'm developing.  Ice, rest, modifying exercises...this is all a part of my life right now and I'm having to deal with it. 
Even more troubling though is my newest condition.  Accompanying my "crunchy" knee is a divided heart.  I must admit that I have been struggling with fear, worry and the "what ifs".  What if I can't run anymore?  What if I put weight back on and I come to a stand still in my progress?  No more lunges?  No more squats?  What will I do for cardio?  I've come too far to go back.  Morbid obesity is just NOT an option for me.  My life is different.  I've changed.  I'm grateful!  Because of this fear and anxiety I've back off not only on training, but I haven't been as diligent/careful in my eating.  Apathy and laziness are lurking and it's frightening!!!

It's more than that.  Even in the midst of one of the most encouraging times of my life, I'm struggling with doubt.  This is in life, not just in my weight loss journey.  The ugly monsters of fear, doubt, apathy, confusion, instability, laziness are lurking on the horizon.  It's as if they are waiting in hopes to destroy, steal, ruin. 

I'm feeling double minded and a bit divided these days.  God's Word talks about this.  James 1:5-8 says "If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. ⁶ But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind. ⁷ For that person must not suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; ⁸ he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways." (ESV) I don't want to be unstable in my life.  I want wisdom.  I NEED wisdom to know how to eat, how to work out, how to live my life, how to parent, how to school, etc. James 4:7-9 (NLT) says "⁷ So humble yourselves before God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. ⁸ Come close to God, and God will come close to you. Wash your hands, you sinners; purify your hearts, for your loyalty is divided between God and the world. ⁹ Let there be tears for what you have done. Let there be sorrow and deep grief. Let there be sadness instead of laughter, and gloom instead of joy.".  Am I truly sorrowful and repentant in regards to my food addiction, compulsive eating, lack of discipline?  I don't want my loyalties to be divided between God and the world.  I want God to have my WHOLE heart, mind and soul.  Romans 12:1-2 says that the transformation starts by presenting my body and then allowing God to renew/transform my mind.  These are the ways I WANT to live, the ways I STRIVE to live, the ways I'm LEARNING to live. 

I'm also struggling with comparison.  The green-eyed monster of envy holds me captive sometime and all I can see are beautiful, thin, talented, creative, debt free, "together" people.  My life seems boring, normal, out of control, hopeless and pointless when it's up against the lives of those kinds of people.  This is such a pointless, self-defeating, displeasing to God kind of attitude, mindset.  It's stinkin' thinkin' and I fall prey to it FAR TOO OFTEN.  The glass half empty mindset has been my m.o. for years and I'm ready for a paradigm shift. 

Gotta kick start my heart.  Gonna rest my knee.  Gotta cleanse my body and mind.  Gonna take control again of my eating.  Gotta lift heavier weights.  Gotta run a little longer.  Gonna get more rest.  Gotta drink more water.  Gonna pray for wisdom.  Gotta keep presenting myself to God and live my life with short accounts, clean hands and a pure heart.  Gonna keep on fighting the good fight!!!

Pic of the Day

Here are some pics my trainer/instructor took today after class.  I'm down 82.6 pounds at this point.  Just a mere 3.5 pounds from my first digit changing.  I can feel the "happy dance" about to start.

PMS=TMI

For the most part I have my overeating/compulsive eating under control.  I no longer have ANY desire to eat too much, or to push myself to the point of "no return".  Feeling bloated, uncomfortable and gross just isn't for me anymore.  There isn't any food that tastes good enough to endure that kind of feeling.

YET.....there are a few days each month when all common sense and true knowledge/growth seem to escape me.  I'm writing because I'm in those dreaded days known as PMS.  As a matter of fact I'm five days late, and I'm miserable.  Mentally, physically, emotionally I'm struggling.  I ate a salad for lunch BUT it had too much chicken.  Chicken I might add from Kentucky Fried Chicken.  Yes I took the skin off the chicken, but still...sheesh that stuff is nasty, greasy.  I ate too quickly, I ate too much.  I even tasted some of the skin.  GROSS!!! 

Why do I feel so out of control?  By keeping good track of my cycle I am aware of when I'm to start.  That's why I'm wondering why I still do STUPID things like allowing myself to get too hungry, thus the overeating.  I also will eat "just a bit of this" or a "bit of that" to try and "satisfy" me and it always creates an urge, a longing for more.  Is this beast ever going to die??? When will there be a day when food has no more power over me?  It's just food for crying out loud.  It's like a fire.  I just need to STOP, DROP and ROLL.  If I could just take a moment, a deep breath, walk away and realize what I'm about to do.  I'm so close to my first goal and yet it feels like I'm a million miles away on days like today when I make such foolish choices.  These foolish, rash choices undo hard work that's been done.  It's a cycle of insanity and I'm ready to get off the hamster wheel. 

Picking myself up, putting on the armor of God, realizing all of the progress I HAVE made, I'm gonna keep on keeping on and fight this good fight.  It IS a good fight.  Being humbled in the last year and a half of my life has been the best experience.  Coming into the majesty that I was created IN and created FOR has been powerfully freeing and glorious.  My body is the temple of the Holy Spirit and when I abuse it I in turn grieve Him.  It's not just about overeating, eating junk, it's a spiritual battle for me.  Integrity, honor, truth and justice...that's what I'm after.  I'm finding it by sharing with others.  Today's lunch = minor fail.  Believe me I've had failures of more epic proportions.  Once again I'm so grateful that I'm not measured by successes and failures.  I'm not measured by the scale.  I'm not measured by a tape measure.  My worth is in JESUS!!! 

Jesus made me, fearfully and wonderfully, a woman.  PMS isn't a curse.  It's a gift.  I just have to learn to handle it, take account of it, work with it not against it.  Each month is a chance to learn, grow and try it again.  For just a brief minute today I laughed out loud and said..."what if I'm pregnant".  Oh boy....that's for another post. 

Thanks as always for reading my ramblings. 

Results of the Cleanse

Overall I'm glad that I did the Summer cleanse.  A weight loss of 7.5 pounds in ten days.  It helped me get some water weight/bloating taken care of and my tummy back on track.  It did NOT get me below 200 pounds.  The hardest part was the first day.  I was HUNGRY.  Also not having any protein for 5 days was a bummer.  I had two cheats (Day 5, Day 7).  Returning back to the "real" world of eating has been difficult.  My tummy hasn't been very happy with the amount of food I'm in taking now and I feel even more bloated than before I started the cleanse.  I have some ideas about food/fasting/choices that I'm going to experiment with.  The scales keep teetering between 201 and 203.  Sheesh....is my first digit EVER going to change????

It's GOOD to NOT be Noticed

When you are morbidly obese people notice.  They stare.  They laugh.  They look away, hoping you didn't seem them gawking at you.  How could people NOT notice when you can't fit into booths, amusement park rides or movie theater seats?  Ironically I thought that when I was fat(ter) I was hiding.  Let me tell you that my cushion of flab certainly hasn't protected me from hurt and sadness.  In fact it's multiplied my pain and sorrow.

Well lately the opposite is happening and I'm absolutely THRILLED.  I have people look at me in the eye, smile in acknowledgement, walk past me and THEN realize...it's me.  They come back to speak and inevitably say something like "I didn't even recognize you".  I've had other people say "I didn't know it was you until I heard you speak.".  People have been very supportive in this journey and quick to complement, encourage and praise me.  I am learning to say thank you and quickly turn back all of the praise to where it's due.  Sure, I've worked my butt off, literally.  Yet, there are other factors, people, things that have helped.  I give credit to God for helping me by sustaining me and loving me gently as He breaks my will and I turn it over to Him bit by bit.  Leslie is ALWAYS mentioned.  I jokingly say "If people stand still long enough I'm gonna tell them about Jesus and Leslie.".  My family gets mentioned.  I want others to know I haven't walked this road alone.  Also I let people know I'm still walking this journey.  Realistically I have 50-60 more pounds I would like to lose.

This morning the scales said 201.5.  I'm on day seven of my cleanse and overall I would say it's been successful.  Cravings have been broken.  I have been reminded of what my body really NEEDS and how much less food I eat these days.  I need to get back to some sort of regular walking/running schedule.  I'm so close to my first goal I can TASTE it.

Thanks for reading.  Please leave me some love and have a nice day.   

Admission/Confession

So true to my life of integrity I must admit that yesterday didn't go as planned.  I started well.  Grapes for breakfast.  Grapes for snack and then it hit me again..."Why did you start a cleanse on a holiday?".  Nathan suggested that I postpone the cleanse a day if I could do it without guilt.  Assuring him that I could do that I ate lunch.  I found it extremely ironic that I was on the Maker's Diet cleanse and experiencing guilt and condemnation (completely opposite from Rom. 8:1) I ate lunch.  Well let me continue the honesty...I OVERATE lunch.  I hadn't set myself up very well for this experience.  Tuesday I wasn't feeling stellar in the tummy department so I all but fasted.  A light lunch, smoothie for snack and a piece of banana bread for dinner.  Needless to say I was ravenous by Wednesday lunchtime.  Bad combo, deprived + hungry + PMS = epic fail.

After lunch I took a nap and had a wonderful conversation with Nathan.  He helped me to realize it's just food.  Desperately wanting to not be controlled by food either positively OR negatively I keep pressing on in this journey.  The evening finished on a highlight.  We had dinner with friends in which I ate lots of yummy fruit and felt better about participating.  Fireworks, friends and freedom capped off our festivities and TODAY I started my cleanse.

Breakfast, snack, lunch...CHECK!  I've enjoyed my grapes and had plenty of water.  This is doable!  Oh and did I mention that Nathan decided to do this cleanse with me to encourage me and to help me succeed?!!!

I'll keep you posted as to my progress.  Thanks for letting me be REAL!

Free to Celebrate

A ten day journey starts today.  I've decided to try the Summer cleanse that Jordan S. Rubin recommends in the Maker's Diet for Weight Loss.  It isn't going to be too difficult.  Full of fruits and veggies that I LOVE, I should be just fine.  Before I embark on my cleanse though I must say aloha, shalom, goodbye to my dear sweet Java.  Our reunion in 10 days will be a sweet time of dark, aromatic goodness. 

Throughout the next week and a half I will be eating strawberries, grapes, pineapple, peaches, cherries, blueberries, papaya, mango, watermelon, raspberries, apples and salads with fresh veggies and raw seeds.  Also further into the journey I will eat whole milk plain yogurt (if I can find some).  I am using this route, path, journey to help me navigate my way to ONEDERLAND!!! 

Lately I've been feeling stuck where I am.  Bloated, frustrated and ready for the next level, I'm excited to see how this journey will end.  The scales said 207.5 this morning.  Prayerfully in the month of July the scales will say 199.

For my American reading friends have a Happy 4th of July.  Today I'm celebrating our country's independence, AND my freedom from food.  I no longer feel addicted, completely dependent upon and consumed by thoughts of my next meal.  Food is just fuel and for that I'm so grateful.  So...as many of you will be eating hamburgers, hot dogs, potato salad, I will be celebrating alongside of you with my GRAPES.  Today, that's all I get to eat, grapes.  Yes, I could have waited until tomorrow to start, but what if tomorrow turned into the day after tomorrow, and then the day after.....I want to lose weight today AND tomorrow AND the next day.  Too much ground has been covered to turn back now.  As the saying goes "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels".  Skinny isn't a possibility for me, but healthy IS!!!

Thanks as always for reading.  Leave me a comment, and today enjoy your FREEDOM!  

What Other People See

So today I went into Lane Bryant to just browse and maybe try on a dress or two.  My friend Joy was with me.  As I was greeted by the clerk at the front door she said "Have you lost weight?".  I don't even know her name, and I don't consider myself to be a frequent shopper at this store.  However, I was THRILLED that she noticed. 

This is happening more and more frequently these days.  I'm humbled, thrilled, overjoyed and concerned all at the same time.  With so much farther to go I have doubts such as "Will I be able to make it?".    Thoughts often cross my mind as to what will people say as I keep on keeping on this journey.  I pray that helpful encouragement will greet me and not naysayers.  I really would like to lose 50-70 more.  Sheesh...that's another year to year and a half away.  I am having doubts, and so days like today when someone notices are important. 

Each encounter, each opportunity to answer "How much weight have you lost?  How did you do this?"  is unique.  Sometimes I feel completely free to share my journey.  Included in my details are diet, exercise and if appropriate the spiritual aspect of my journey.  Other times it's just a simple response "Diet and exercise".  I have heard countless tells of people who have lost weight, had gastric bypass or lap band surgery.  I've heard all the "coulda, shoulda, woulda's".  People feel free to give me tips, advice and help.  There have been some humorous questions such as "Do you really run?"  or "Do you like to sweat?".  Statements such as "It must be hard to exercise while being so fat." or "How do you do it?"  Truly I really enjoy hearing it all.  Losing weight has given me opportunity to share by speaking AND listening and I'm grateful. 

There was a purchase made today at Lane Bryant.  One I'm thinking of wearing at my 100 pound party...that is IF it fits me then ;-).  Maybe I'll have a chance to say to the clerk in my NEW store, what a blessing it is to get to shop there.  Soon it will be "Bye Bye" Lane Bryant and although your clerks have been kind and your clothes have covered up a multitude of cellulite with contemporary fashion, I won't be sad to part ways. 

Peace out...I'm signing off to try my new recipe-Sugar Snap Pea and Parmesean Risotto.  It will be made with fresh snap peas from our weekly CSA box.