Wednesday, October 31, 2012

My Anniversary

Today is the two year anniversary of my day of reckoning.  

October 31, 2010 the scales tipped at 285.6.  My heart was crushed and I was desperate.  The reflection in the mirror showed a woman who had lost all control and was trying to hide behind this mask of fat she had created.  

Today I can fit into ONE leg of those jeans, those jeans that were size 28.  Yesterday I wore my brand new 14's ;-).  I'm almost to the point to where I can shop in a "normal" store.  Oh for the day when I don't have a letter attached to my size or have to pay a few dollars extra because I'm considered "plus".  I digress....

Today I'm going to be POSITIVE.  I'm gonna brag on God.  I'm gonna brag on myself.  I'm gonna brag on my family.  I'm gonna brag on Leslie Raper (my friend and trainer). Today is a day of celebration and joy.  I will revel in two years of crying, struggling, learning, growing and changing.  730 days of ups and downs, relapses and progress, lifting, sweating, running, stretching, swinging, lunging, and pressing.  That's what today is about.  Two revolutions around the sun while I cried, prayed, memorized, blogged, talked, shared, hoped, dreamed of relief, release, freedom.

I've been vulnerable, honest and transparent in this blog.  Continuing to do so is crucial for my further success.  You see, this journey isn't over.  I would like to be 140-150 pounds.  Today the scales revealed..... drum-roll please............the number 186.  If you'll indulge me the .4 pounds, that is a loss of.....

pounds!!!  Isn't God good???

  So what does 100 pounds of fat look like?  Here's a gross disgusting picture for you.

No folks, those aren't mandarin oranges....hehehehe.  Sheesh, that's a LOT of fat!  I'm so glad to be rid of that excess grossness.  Please hear me though, there is still flab, extra skin, cellulite, wrinkles, dimples, and stretch marks.  However, I'm healthier, more free, happier, more confident and that's worth ALL of the other.

Thanks for sharing this journey with me.  Thanks for encouraging comments, words and thoughts and prayers.  Have a good day friends.  Celebrate YOUR accomplishment today, whatever it might be, no matter how BIG or SMALL!!!  Today is OUR day ;-)  Oh and I'm still hoping to have a 100 pound party!

Thursday, October 25, 2012

When There Aren't Any Words

It's been FAR too long since I've posted in this blog.  I could go on and on about all of the reasons and bore you with details about my life.  I won't.  I'll just say that this blog has not been a priority.  

That's a word for you.  Priority.  What are my priorities?  Which things in my life hold places of prominence?  Which relationships?  Which goals, dreams and hopes?  How do I organize my life?  Is my time managed wisely?  These are questions that I have been pondering for months.  The loving, gracious and patient Holy Spirit has been prompting me in these last weeks to focus in on what is important.  My version of important and His are very different.  Micah 6:8 says "He has told you, O man, what is good; and what does the Lord require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God?" Also Phil. 4:8 reminds me that I am to "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things."

Admitting to you that my perspective has been skewed isn't easy.  Publicly admitting that I'm not the person I want to be or should be is humbling.  None of my relationships are getting the attention they deserve.  This home is a wreck.  Spiritually, my life is weak.  The 17 year marriage is holding on because of all the work I've invested in the past, but isn't getting current attention.  Sweet children are surviving.  The home school that meets here is barely educating.   Eating habits are sliding.  Weight is fluctuating.  Goals are not getting met.  Dreams are fading.     

"In my hurt, at my worst, when my world falls down.  Not for a moment will You forsake me.  Not for a moment will you forsake me."  The Lord is constant and His mercies are new every morning.  I don't deserve ONE of them, yet He lovingly and willingly pours them out on me moment by moment.  

Today there are words.  Today I say "Lord, with your help I will try AGAIN.".  Today I cry out "I need you to fix me and restore to me the joy of YOUR salvation.".  Today there are words that relate my pain, hurt, grief, sorrow, fear, doubt, uncertainty, joy and willingness.  Today my heart, mind and mouth unite in speaking the beauty, grace, majesty, mercy, forgiveness, holiness and justice of my Lord.  My heart desires to be a DOER of the Word and not a hearer only.  I will keep going, growing, changing, trying, living, laughing, loving, breathing, dreaming, hoping, forgiving and pursuing.  Today I will BE in the moment what I was called to be and I will walk ONE step at a time with my God.  Today.  That's all I have.