Friday, February 17, 2012

Out of Control

Ok.....once again I'm sharing something extremely personal.  I'm praying that by sharing that I can get out from under it's "power".  I don't find it strange that this would happen right on the heels of such an important breakthrough.  I'm feeling completely out of control, and my eating is showing it.  I know there is something spiritual to this battle too.

We had the blessing of staying at a local Bed and Breakfast, the Inn Around the Corner.  Nancy Schnepp is a WONDERFUL cook and she and her husband Roger are just precious people with the gift of hospitality.  Saturday night Nathan and I indulged at a local restaurant, Que Sera.  I had duck with a black cherry glaze and wilted spinach.  I also had bread, wine, cookies, you name it.  I told Leslie on Tuesday that I hadn't over done.  I honestly thought I hadn't and in perspective to the OLD me, I did MUCH better.  However, for the NEW me I blew it.  I set myself up for TOTAL failure.  Some serious trigger foods.  Then Nathan made cookies, homemade chocolate chips, AWESOME cookies.  I had four yesterday.  What's the deal???  Yes, I can blame some of this on hormones as I'm on day 28 of my cycle (TMI I know).  I've skipped meals to try and make up for it (BIG mistake).  I've had smoothies, I've pushed water, I've eaten vegetables, I've tried all of these "things", but I've not gotten back on track.  I've eaten poorly.  I skipped a workout on Thursday because I wasn't feeling physically or mentally up to it.  Edgy, guilty, hopeless, shameful, angry, frustrated...these are some emotions I've felt this week. 
Just because the food is before me doesn't mean I have to eat it.  Why did I break down this week???

I am GOING to start journaling again today.  I have used My Fitness Pal in the past, but I have some questions about it.  It's hard to know how to count some of the foods.  Knowing how many calories, serving size, etc. can be difficult.  I want to read Master Your Metabolism and the Eat Clean Diet books.  I've thought about a cleanse/fast.  I've even looked into inpatient treatment.  I'm so desperate right now. 

Just typing this has made me feel a little better.  A friend of mine told me just recently (in a comment here) that she can tell I don't ever "want to go back".  That is so true.  I don't want to be the "old" me, the distracted me, the me that was in denial, the me with the "hole in my soul" that I filled with food, relationships, things instead of Jesus. 

Have a good weekend, and if you think of it...pray for me, think of me, leave me a comment. 


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