A Very Puzzling Question

Yesterday as I was doing a training jog with my pastors, Joe Chambers and Tim Moore, I was asked a puzzling question.  Tim asked if I could realize emotionally or physically the transformation I have undergone.  He mentioned how the change is very evident to other people.  He said that almost weekly he and his wife Melissa could see a difference. 

I really am going to have to think about this one.  This is a very good subject for me to grapple with and honestly inspect my thoughts and feelings.  I believe there might be some left over hurt, pain and ways of thinking that might be clogging my continued progress.  The finish line is in sight and if I want to cross it, I've got to regain focus.  A new sense of passion and purpose can come from celebrating successes and making small, realistic goals.

In terms of spiritual and emotional progress the answer came more quickly.  A resounding YES!!!  I know that I am a much different woman in the areas of my thinking, habits, approach to food, realization of my food addiction, etc. than I was in Oct. of 2010.  I don't say that lightly.  I still struggle and there are days that I want to overeat.  However, the conviction/realization of my error comes so quickly and I am able to slow down and realize that the food didn't taste as good as success. My body is NOT my own.  I've been bought with a price and for me to just mindlessly eat food, or even worse, to make a purposeful choice to overeat or eat unhealthy foods is an issue to me now.  Yes, I'm aware that this sounds crazy, legalistic and super spiritual to some of you.  For me...it's part of my faith.  It's part of my daily living out my love and honor for the One who saved me, redeemed me and changed my life forever!!!

Of course I realize I'm smaller because I am having to buy new clothes.  However, I still don't really truly "get it".  The other night JoyAnn and I were shopping at Target.  I kept holding up these clothes and thinking "these must be for really skinny people".  I brought some things into the dressing room and some of them were the right size and some of them obviously weren't.  I'm somewhere between a large and a medium.  Although women's clothing is ridiculous.  I have everything from a medium to an XL in my closet.  It's just hard to know what will fit and I don't always have the time to try everything on before I leave the store.  It was nice to know that I can fit into different things.  I'm not pleased that most medium/large shirts are sleeveless or have very short sleeves.  My arms will NEVER be what I want them to be (without skin removal surgery).  My three year old James says they are "flappy dough arms".  I'm not interested in "skinny jeans" EVER.  I don't even want to try anything that says "mid rise".  The scales and/or tag might say a certain number but my body tells a VERY different story.  Years of obesity, five children, two sets of twins, shame, guilt, up and down weight fluctuations really take a toll or your physique. 

This is a struggle for me.  I'm very proud of how far I've come.  I KNOW that it is worth every tear, every drop of sweat, every run, jog, walk, lifting session.  However, I don't want to become prideful, obsessed or "miss the mark" when it comes to the true point/depth of this transformation process.  Skin removal surgery would be helpful in terms of cosmetic, but is it the right thing for me?  Nathan loves me, even though I look like a Shar Pei.  He is the only one (minus a doctor or physician) that will ever have to see the not so pretty, complete picture of who I am.  Nathan sees that physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally and loves me unconditionally.  On the other hand after YEARS of hard work, wouldn't it be worth the pain of the surgeries to finally realize my goal and SEE it with my own eyes.  We don't have insurance, so is the cost worth it?  Are the scars worth it?  Should I endure pain and long recovery times just to fit into a certain size or wear a sleeveless shirt and not be ashamed?  Maybe, JUST maybe the issue isn't my sags and bags...it's still a wounded heart???  I'm not sure.  I'm praying through all of this. 

I need to update my site with a most recent picture.  I need to keep the transformation ever before me so I don't lose sight of who I am.  Thanks as always for taking the time to read as I take the time to continue to ponder.....do I realize, can I realize the depth of this process???

Week 5 Check-in/Week 6 Goals

So today ended Wk. 5 for me in the "Ready for Summer Challenge". I feel as if I am making some progress but really had hoped to have seen a dramatic difference by now. I'm halfway through the challenge and not to my half way point pound wise. Oh well....I've got more time to keep on keeping on :-).

1. Weight Loss Goal: I had hoped that the scale would say 215 and this morning it said 216.3. Sheesh. Oh well. I will give myself grace because I am on my period this week. Hoping to see a little more gone by next Thursday. So since the challenge started I've lost 3.7 pounds. That's a little depressing to type, but hey at least I didn't gain 3.7 pounds.

2. NSV: I registered for my 5K race on May 12th. I'm going to be participating in this race with my brother, nephew and sis-in-law. So fun! Hoping to cut my time by at least 5 minutes.

I'll keep you posted.

3. Nutrition Goal: I didn't get the quinoa or flaxseed oil as I had hoped because I was waiting for payday and then I've had a sick girl. I did use Bragg's Liquid Aminos though in a stirfry and WOW!!! It was wonderful. I had never used them before and I prefer them now to soy sauce. So grateful to have tried something new. Also I've become a huge fan of raw sweet potatoes and

brussels sprouts in my salad.

4. Exercise Goal: I DID manage to get my 3X workouts in this week. I ran for 56 minutes on Sat. I did a very tough hill repeat workout on Sunday and I worked out with my class/trainer on Tues. and Wed. YEAH ME!!!

Week 6 Goals:

1. Weight Loss Goal: I'm on it and my mojo is BACK!!! Period or not I'm gonna press through and see those numbers go down, down, down. Thursday 5/11 my scale is gonna say 213!!!

2. Non-Scale Goal: Finish my 5K race in 38 minutes or less. Color my hair. This gray has to GO!!!

3. Nutrition Goal: Continue to eat 5 small meals daily. Keep my 3 Liter of water a day habit and get that flaxseed oil and quinoa!! I want to re-visit meal planning.

4. Exercise Goal: I ordered the Kettleworx DVD system and have only done one workout. I want to start it on 5/13. So that means a completion date June 23rd.

I'm so grateful to have found this challenge. I'm enjoying the challenge and the accountability. I'm proud of everyone who is participating and grateful for all of the encouragement.

Unsettled and Undone

The prophet Isaiah said in Chapter 6 verse 4 "Woe is me, for I am ruined!" I can relate. Lately I have been experiencing a holy unsettling. A time of correction, rebuke, and challenge from the Word and from other books that I've been reading. I have been studying the Sermon on the Mount again in Kay Arthur's "Lord I'm Torn Between Two Masters". Coming face to face with unconfessed sins in my life isn't easy. Meditating on any practices repeated patterns that might separate me from God is a difficult and humbling process. I praise God for the assurance of salvation and the reminder of the power of GRACE!. I have been delivered from so much and I have so much gratitude within my heart. Being holy isn't possible within my own power but living a life that is pleasing to God is COMPLETELY possible through Jesus Christ.

Also there have been some authors that have deeply touched me lately. This was a post on the blog of author/speaker Lysa TerKeurst from 2009. I first came across it in her book "Made to Crave" and I tell it almost "did me in".

Unsettle me.

These are the two words rattling about in my brain today. I almost wish it was a more glamorous prayer. Surely more eloquent words could be found for what I’m feeling led to pursue during this new year.
But these are the words- this is the prayer for my 2009.
The funny thing is I’ve spent my whole existence trying to find a place to settle down. People to settle down with. And a spirit about me worthy of all this settled down-ness.
All of this is good. A contented heart, thankful for its blessings is a good way to settle.
But there are areas of my life that have also settled that mock my desires to be godly woman. Compromises if you will.

Attitudes that I’ve wrapped in the lie, “Well, that’s just how I am. And if that’s all the bad that’s in me, I’m doing pretty good.”
I dare you, dear soul of mine, to notice the stark evidence of a spirit that is tainted and a heart that must be placed under the microscope of God’s word.
Yes, indeed, unsettle me Lord.
Unearth that remnant of unforgiveness.
Shake loose that justification for compromise.
Reveal that broken shard of pride.
Expose that tendency to distrust.
Unsettle me in the best kind of way. For when I allow your touch to reach the deepest parts of me- dark and dingy and hidden away too long- suddenly, a fresh wind of life twists and twirls and dances through my soul.
I can delight in forgiveness and love more deeply.
I can discover my gentle responses and find softer ways for my words to land.
I can recognize the beauty of humility and crave the intimacy with God it unleashes.
I can rest assured though harsh winds blow, I will be held.
Goodbye to my remnants, my justification, shards, and tendencies. This is not who I am- nor who I was created to be.

Goodbye to shallow love, sharp words, self focus, and suspicious fears. I am an unsettled woman who no longer wishes to take part in your distractions or distructions.

Welcome deeper love, softer words, unleashed intimacy, and the certainty I am held.

Welcome my unsettled heart.

Welcome 2009.

This is my second reading of Lysa's book and I didn't read the chapter that included this entry on my first time through. I was reading this while in the tub (about the only quiet place I have these days) and I was crying so hard I almost dropped the book.

Jen Hatmaker is another author that seems to have a private portal into my thoughts. I am currently on my second reading of "7:An Experimental Mutiny Against Excess". Oh my stars. WOW! Hello there 2X4 upside the head. I've been struggling for quite sometime about the excess in my personal life and in the life of my family. After reading this book I've been inspired, challenged and encouraged. I'm praying about how God would have me become more aware of His presence and ways to eliminate excess and the trite that might stand in the way of my Heavenly calling. It's relationship. It's service. It's obedience. It's holiness. It's integrity. It's transparency. It's humility. I'm being called to pursue these things and not the next great recipe, clothing style, gadget, trinket, opportunity, experience, home school curriculum, ministry, etc.

Loving God, loving people. That pretty much sums it up for me.

I'm an undone woman. I'll never be the same and the beautiful thing is that I don't want to be that "old" woman EVER again. I'm through with "Egypt". I'm turning North and I'm on the move to the promised land. Thank you Holy Spirit for your loving, gentle, yet persistent agitations. I am grateful to be undone and done with this world!!!

Insanity

Most of you are probably familiar with the "definition" of insanity that says "doing the same thing but expecting different results." Sometimes I feel as if I have been insane in many areas of my life.  Obviously I didn't get to 285.6 overnight.  Lately, I have been really wondering...how did I get there?  How am I going to find my way back to "healthy"?  I want to dig deeper.  I want to change the things that haven't worked and to embrace reality.  I want to view ALL areas of my life with the clear lens of godly counsel, the Word of God, and truth, not fear.

I have been a part of a program, Celebrate Recovery, for 6 1/2 years.  This program is loosely based on the 12-steps of AA.  There is a step that says "We came to believe that a power greater than us could restore us to sanity".  That higher power IS Jesus Christ.  He is restoring me to sanity.  I feel as if I've made big strides when it comes to fitness, exercise, health and accountability.  I still struggle though with food choices, organization, shopping, cooking, attitudes that surround food, and consistent losing of pounds.  I tend to be more up and down than I would like.  I want to come to full realization of negative patterns, behaviors and habits that are holding me back and keeping me from succeeding.  I am praying for pure motives and a clean heart.  I don't want to lose a pound if it is replaced with pride.

So I journey on, daily praying for revelation, willpower, strength to get to the next phase of my journey.  I keep pressing on to the prize.  I started a group on Facebook called the Phil. 3:14 posse to support each other in weight loss/fitness goals.  Phil 3:14 in the New Living Translation says "I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us."  It has been great to meet new women and to connect with others who are on a journey towards health/wholeness/freedom/weight loss. 

I want to be healthy, whole, thinner, sane and joyful.  I have big dreams, but I have an even bigger GOD!!!

Fat 2 Fit by FAITH.  Ok...there's also a lot of hard work involved too, BUT I can only do it by faith.