When There Aren't Any Words

It's been FAR too long since I've posted in this blog.  I could go on and on about all of the reasons and bore you with details about my life.  I won't.  I'll just say that this blog has not been a priority.  

That's a word for you.  Priority.  What are my priorities?  Which things in my life hold places of prominence?  Which relationships?  Which goals, dreams and hopes?  How do I organize my life?  Is my time managed wisely?  These are questions that I have been pondering for months.  The loving, gracious and patient Holy Spirit has been prompting me in these last weeks to focus in on what is important.  My version of important and His are very different.  Micah 6:8 says "He has told you, O man, what is good; and what does the Lord require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God?" Also Phil. 4:8 reminds me that I am to "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things."

Admitting to you that my perspective has been skewed isn't easy.  Publicly admitting that I'm not the person I want to be or should be is humbling.  None of my relationships are getting the attention they deserve.  This home is a wreck.  Spiritually, my life is weak.  The 17 year marriage is holding on because of all the work I've invested in the past, but isn't getting current attention.  Sweet children are surviving.  The home school that meets here is barely educating.   Eating habits are sliding.  Weight is fluctuating.  Goals are not getting met.  Dreams are fading.     

"In my hurt, at my worst, when my world falls down.  Not for a moment will You forsake me.  Not for a moment will you forsake me."  The Lord is constant and His mercies are new every morning.  I don't deserve ONE of them, yet He lovingly and willingly pours them out on me moment by moment.  

Today there are words.  Today I say "Lord, with your help I will try AGAIN.".  Today I cry out "I need you to fix me and restore to me the joy of YOUR salvation.".  Today there are words that relate my pain, hurt, grief, sorrow, fear, doubt, uncertainty, joy and willingness.  Today my heart, mind and mouth unite in speaking the beauty, grace, majesty, mercy, forgiveness, holiness and justice of my Lord.  My heart desires to be a DOER of the Word and not a hearer only.  I will keep going, growing, changing, trying, living, laughing, loving, breathing, dreaming, hoping, forgiving and pursuing.  Today I will BE in the moment what I was called to be and I will walk ONE step at a time with my God.  Today.  That's all I have.

A "Fork" in the Road

Isn't it ironic that a fat person would have to choose a path, a FORK in the road???  I've blogged recently about my issues with overeating, making bad choices, feeling out of control.  I've also blogged about my recent breakthrough and my very first 5K.  Two roads, two choices, two paths.  So different, both with results, consequences, rewards and disappointments.

Both of these paths have called to me.  I've found myself making choices based upon emotions, feelings, other people's opinions, my own fears and agendas.  Sometimes I take the right path, sometimes I've wandered into the land of breakdown and felt so lost, alone and hopeless.  I feel as if I am this point again in my life.  I'm stading on the road wanting to make it to the finish line yet faced with a choice of which direction to take.  I've taken shortcuts too often in my life.  I've looked for ways that might be pretty, easy, make me feel warm and fuzzy while I travel.  The road to DENIAL though is far different from the road to VICTORY. 

Matthew 7:13-14 says "Enter through the narrow gate. For the gate is wide and the road is broad that leads to destruction, and there are many who go through it.  How narrow is the gate and difficult the road that leads to life, and few find it."  Once again I'm not trying to lose weight so I can fit through a "narrow" gate...hehehehe.  I'm trying to find LIFE and find it abundantly.  I want to choose the path that brings honor to God and life to me and my family.  The Message paraphrase puts that passage like this "Don't look for shortcuts to God. The market is flooded with surefire, easygoing formulas for a successful life that can be practiced in your spare time. Don't fall for that stuff, even though crowds of people do. The way to life—to God!—is vigorous and requires total attention."  That last part "is vigorous and requires total attention" is what really grabs me.  Am I giving my total attention to life or am I just standing at the fork in the road waiting for someone else to choose for me?  Planning, working, making progress, these things all take intention and patience, ambition, tenacity, wisdom.  

Right now my heart is heavy and my mind filled with thoughts, dreams and desires.  I feel almost sick with a sense of urgency.  I HAVE to keep on keepin' on.  I must keep going.  I simply have to finish this.  I might have gotten stalled, but I'm not stopping!!!

So I'm headed down the narrow path, through the narrow gate, toward BREAKTHROUGH.  Victory is calling me and although it's still far off, I can hear the crowd of witnesses calling to me.  I can hear those who have prayed for me, cheered me on, walked this journey ahead of me calling me to keep coming.  I am gonna keep putting one foot in front of the other, pick myself up, keep working, keep crying, keep sweating, keep trying, keep crying, keep believing, keep praying, keep learning, keep changing, keep dreaming, keep asking for revelation, keep moving.  I'm choosing THIS day to walk towards BREAKTHROUGH!!!

I've chosen my path.  The fork in the road seemed daunting, but I'm laying down my pride, fear and doubt and I'm choosing HEALTH, wholeness, peace and joy.  Wanna come with me???