Knocking Down the Wall

So 3.1 miles used to be "the wall".  I remember thinking prior to February 18th that I would NEVER be able to run a 5K.  That day came and went and with God's help and the support of friends I finished my race, and it was faster than my personal goal! 
March came and went and I only ran 3.1 maybe twice.  I walked, hiked, jogged, worked out and did other activities but just didn't have the ambition or time to run 3.1 consecutively.  Last weekend was the breakthrough.  Leslie and I did the Gate path, both parts of Rainbow and hiked down Lookout.  It was wonderful and I am so glad that I did.  It took that boost to get me back on track. 

Today's run was approx. 5.5.  We didn't use Map My Run or Cardio Trainer, but based on Leslie's previous runs that is the mileage.  I didn't know my body could move that way for THAT long.  I did 5.5 miles in 1 hour and 25 minutes!!!  That is the longest I've ever moved consecutively, consistently, completely, powerfully.  Trail running is AWESOME!!!  Peaceful, quiet, natural...I heard things and saw things that you just can't experience on an elliptical or treadmill.  I ran along a river.  I ran along a road.  I pushed my way up hills.  I ran through the pain.  I just kept GOING.  There was a monster of a hill that I power hiked part of the way, but I never stopped.  There was one place where we all stopped and stretched and ate some power chews.  Everyone ran at different paces, but I just kept going.  It felt good to run, to be alone, to have time to think, be still, clear my head.  Leslie would double back around to check on me, or she would yell so I could hear her.  She would give trail directions "stay left" or "watch your footing ahead".  I felt so empowered.  Six months ago I couldn't run 60 feet.  Today I ran almost six MILES. 

So the proverbial wall is DOWN.  In reading and studying Hebrews 11, that chapter talks of heroes of the faith.   Joshua and the "Jericho" account are mentioned.  So I went back and read that section of Scripture. I've been obedient to the Lord.  I've marched around my walled fortress and I've screamed out in triumph (literally).  God knocked that wall down today and I took those miles captive burning all doubt that I could move my body like that and keep going.  I took fear captive and brought my offering of sacrificial movement to the Lord.  Yes, I'm making this spiritual.  For me it is!  I have to bring my will, my desire to stay put, my fear of failure to the Lord and submit myself completely to Him.  This journey is about realizing that I live, move and have my being in HIM.  It's so much more about Him than it is about me.  I'm finding Him, losing myself and loving every minute of it.

I came home took a nice shower, ate some butternut squash and broccoli and a bit of potato soup (leftover).  I am pushing the water and going to enjoy this glorious Spring day by celebrating a birthday with some friends of ours.  I feel ALIVE.  I feel FREE.  I feel blessed that I can move and enjoy life.  I'm going to do this again soon and who knows maybe a 10K this fall???? :-)

Here's a picture that a friend of mine has on her tumblr.  I wanted to share.  Keep running, and if you haven't started yet....what's your excuse????  

Lost and Found

I have friends who have "found" themselves.  This process occurred by going to school, "coming out", getting divorced, changing jobs, having surgery, getting married, having kids, yoga, meditation...etc.  I always wondered what that meant.  I wondered how they went through a process of physical and emotional change and felt so different.  They honestly felt like they became who they were originally created. 

I too used to feel lost.  I would say in my journal or to a few trusted friends that I didn't know who I was and that I felt like I had "lost" who I was.  What I meant was my identity now includes wife, mother, student, friend, etc.  Different isn't bad, it's just different.  I couldn't reconcile in my mind and heart that "me" had new, different, more facets.  I felt cheated and saddened that I couldn't BE what I wanted to "be", even though I honestly didn't know what that looked like.  I thought I was supposed to feel something, anything different from what I was expereiencing at that time.  Granted, my feelings were very real and almost consumed me.  I felt hopeless, overwhelmed, saddened and confused.  Looking back now I realize that those were just feelings.  The truth was that my identity had NEVER changed.  Once I became a child of God my identity was SEALED by the Holy Spirit.

I don't look at "lost" and "found" the same way anymore.  Each mile I run in the woods, each pound I lose, each time I make a healthy choice or set a new boundary, I'm losing myself and it feels pretty good.  I'm losing the me that I made.  I'm losing the pain, the shame, the guilt and condemnation that I attached to myself.  You see these days I WANT to lose myself.  I want to allow less of me to be evident in EVERY way and to shine more of Him.  I want to become lost to this world.  I literally dreamt last night of immersing myself in God's Word.  I dreamed of becoming so lost in Him that nothing else mattered.  Not weight, not people's opinions, not my disappointments, fears or loneliness.  In my humble opinion it's not a matter of becoming someone, or becoming who you were meant to be, it's a process of realizing who you already are and embracing that.  I don't want to change because I'm sealed by the blood of Jesus Christ.  I'm clothed in His righteousness and I'm worthy, beautiful and holy ALL because of Him.

This body is just a shell.  Losing an ounce doesn't change ME.  My "human suit" is shrinking but only because my will, my spirit, my soul, my passions are becoming more like Christ.  My reasons for starting this journey and for losing weight are changing day by day.  My heart's cry is to live a life WELL lived, one that exemplifies to live is CHRIST to die is gain.  I just want to honor God through my body, my life, my words, my actions.  I'm just cleaning up the outside while God continues to work on the inside. 

So while the rest of the world keeps "finding themselves" I'm gonna keep on keeping on and LOSE myself a little more everyday. 

In Him,

Janelle