Lost and Found

I have friends who have "found" themselves.  This process occurred by going to school, "coming out", getting divorced, changing jobs, having surgery, getting married, having kids, yoga, meditation...etc.  I always wondered what that meant.  I wondered how they went through a process of physical and emotional change and felt so different.  They honestly felt like they became who they were originally created. 

I too used to feel lost.  I would say in my journal or to a few trusted friends that I didn't know who I was and that I felt like I had "lost" who I was.  What I meant was my identity now includes wife, mother, student, friend, etc.  Different isn't bad, it's just different.  I couldn't reconcile in my mind and heart that "me" had new, different, more facets.  I felt cheated and saddened that I couldn't BE what I wanted to "be", even though I honestly didn't know what that looked like.  I thought I was supposed to feel something, anything different from what I was expereiencing at that time.  Granted, my feelings were very real and almost consumed me.  I felt hopeless, overwhelmed, saddened and confused.  Looking back now I realize that those were just feelings.  The truth was that my identity had NEVER changed.  Once I became a child of God my identity was SEALED by the Holy Spirit.

I don't look at "lost" and "found" the same way anymore.  Each mile I run in the woods, each pound I lose, each time I make a healthy choice or set a new boundary, I'm losing myself and it feels pretty good.  I'm losing the me that I made.  I'm losing the pain, the shame, the guilt and condemnation that I attached to myself.  You see these days I WANT to lose myself.  I want to allow less of me to be evident in EVERY way and to shine more of Him.  I want to become lost to this world.  I literally dreamt last night of immersing myself in God's Word.  I dreamed of becoming so lost in Him that nothing else mattered.  Not weight, not people's opinions, not my disappointments, fears or loneliness.  In my humble opinion it's not a matter of becoming someone, or becoming who you were meant to be, it's a process of realizing who you already are and embracing that.  I don't want to change because I'm sealed by the blood of Jesus Christ.  I'm clothed in His righteousness and I'm worthy, beautiful and holy ALL because of Him.

This body is just a shell.  Losing an ounce doesn't change ME.  My "human suit" is shrinking but only because my will, my spirit, my soul, my passions are becoming more like Christ.  My reasons for starting this journey and for losing weight are changing day by day.  My heart's cry is to live a life WELL lived, one that exemplifies to live is CHRIST to die is gain.  I just want to honor God through my body, my life, my words, my actions.  I'm just cleaning up the outside while God continues to work on the inside. 

So while the rest of the world keeps "finding themselves" I'm gonna keep on keeping on and LOSE myself a little more everyday. 

In Him,

Janelle