Sunday, July 29, 2012

What Defines Me?

So the scales today said 200.0.  I'm about to be below 200 for the first time in 11 years.  I've been working toward this goal since 10/31/2010.  It isn't my final goal, but it is the1st of many.  As excited as I am about this I've really been thinking lately.  Does a number define me? 

I am struggling to find center, balance, and my place in it all.  Some days I'm "on top of the world".  Lately though I've been off balance.  The chaos of my life has caused an emotional vertigo.  Spiraling out of control are my wants, plans, dreams, feelings, fears, doubts and what I know to be true in my heart.  It's a battle of wills.  Mine against God's, and I wonder why I'm having such a time of letting go of the last shreds of my will.  I question myself as to why I am afraid.  What could REALLY be better than living the abundant life in Christ?  Nothing!  So why do I hold back?

July has been a difficult month.  A feeling of disconnect from my family and my God has left me all but paralyzed emotionally.  My mojo has been missing in regards to jogging regularly and I have been weaker in workouts than I would like.  Weight loss has been slow and I am fighting discouragement and doubt more than in months.  Unkind words, deeds and actions have been my norm and I've hurt myself and others regularly.  Tears have been plenty, hurts have framed my thinking and my feelings have taken too big a part on the stage of my life. 

I need a breath of fresh air.  Longing for newness of purpose and passion I keep doing what is comfortable but struggling with the pinching pains of change.  I feel weary to the core and thoughts of quitting are taunting me.  I long for the promised land, but have dreams of Egypt.  Who am I?  What defines me?  What makes me?

Sara Groves has a song that speaks to me.  I want to share it with you all. I really want to press on to victory.  Revelation, understanding and true humility and my desires.  The sand is worth it IF it brings me closer to Jesus.   

Thanks for reading fellow pilgrims.  This journey is hard, but let's make the most of it!!

No comments:

Post a Comment