Yesterday as I was doing a training jog with my pastors, Joe Chambers and Tim Moore, I was asked a puzzling question. Tim asked if I could realize emotionally or physically the transformation I have undergone. He mentioned how the change is very evident to other people. He said that almost weekly he and his wife Melissa could see a difference.
I really am going to have to think about this one. This is a very good subject for me to grapple with and honestly inspect my thoughts and feelings. I believe there might be some left over hurt, pain and ways of thinking that might be clogging my continued progress. The finish line is in sight and if I want to cross it, I've got to regain focus. A new sense of passion and purpose can come from celebrating successes and making small, realistic goals.
In terms of spiritual and emotional progress the answer came more quickly. A resounding YES!!! I know that I am a much different woman in the areas of my thinking, habits, approach to food, realization of my food addiction, etc. than I was in Oct. of 2010. I don't say that lightly. I still struggle and there are days that I want to overeat. However, the conviction/realization of my error comes so quickly and I am able to slow down and realize that the food didn't taste as good as success. My body is NOT my own. I've been bought with a price and for me to just mindlessly eat food, or even worse, to make a purposeful choice to overeat or eat unhealthy foods is an issue to me now. Yes, I'm aware that this sounds crazy, legalistic and super spiritual to some of you. For me...it's part of my faith. It's part of my daily living out my love and honor for the One who saved me, redeemed me and changed my life forever!!!
Of course I realize I'm smaller because I am having to buy new clothes. However, I still don't really truly "get it". The other night JoyAnn and I were shopping at Target. I kept holding up these clothes and thinking "these must be for really skinny people". I brought some things into the dressing room and some of them were the right size and some of them obviously weren't. I'm somewhere between a large and a medium. Although women's clothing is ridiculous. I have everything from a medium to an XL in my closet. It's just hard to know what will fit and I don't always have the time to try everything on before I leave the store. It was nice to know that I can fit into different things. I'm not pleased that most medium/large shirts are sleeveless or have very short sleeves. My arms will NEVER be what I want them to be (without skin removal surgery). My three year old James says they are "flappy dough arms". I'm not interested in "skinny jeans" EVER. I don't even want to try anything that says "mid rise". The scales and/or tag might say a certain number but my body tells a VERY different story. Years of obesity, five children, two sets of twins, shame, guilt, up and down weight fluctuations really take a toll or your physique.
This is a struggle for me. I'm very proud of how far I've come. I KNOW that it is worth every tear, every drop of sweat, every run, jog, walk, lifting session. However, I don't want to become prideful, obsessed or "miss the mark" when it comes to the true point/depth of this transformation process. Skin removal surgery would be helpful in terms of cosmetic, but is it the right thing for me? Nathan loves me, even though I look like a Shar Pei. He is the only one (minus a doctor or physician) that will ever have to see the not so pretty, complete picture of who I am. Nathan sees that physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally and loves me unconditionally. On the other hand after YEARS of hard work, wouldn't it be worth the pain of the surgeries to finally realize my goal and SEE it with my own eyes. We don't have insurance, so is the cost worth it? Are the scars worth it? Should I endure pain and long recovery times just to fit into a certain size or wear a sleeveless shirt and not be ashamed? Maybe, JUST maybe the issue isn't my sags and bags...it's still a wounded heart??? I'm not sure. I'm praying through all of this.
I need to update my site with a most recent picture. I need to keep the transformation ever before me so I don't lose sight of who I am. Thanks as always for taking the time to read as I take the time to continue to ponder.....do I realize, can I realize the depth of this process???
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