2. My desire to eat food and lie about it. Although I still struggle with this one( on RARE occasion) I, really don't think about going through the drive through at Taco Bell on the way home from running errands and not telling anyone. In fact, I don't really think about Taco Bell at all anymore...YIKES. That stuff is NASTY!!! Taco Bell makes you fat. So fat you couldn't even "make a RUN for the border". I don't want to go there ANY time soon.
3. Anything made out of knit or containing copious amounts of elastic have lost ALL appeal to me. I love buttons, zippers and clothes that FIT. Granted, I still haven't been able to replace my clothes yet, but someday. Those items will no longer be in my drawers, closet, laundry and I will be GRATEFUL!!!
4. The desire to make excuses for my kids. YES they can walk 2+ miles with me. NO it isn't as fast as I would like. NO they don't do it without complaining, BUT that day is coming. Consequently, a goal of mine is for our ENTIRE family to do a 5K next year. Can't you see us now with really cool shirts, sweating, laughing and having a GREAT time!!!????
5. My hate for "organic" foods and my thought that EVERYTHING labled organic is a marketing plea. I don't buy everything organic, but I do what I can. It is VERY hard on a budget for a family of seven. No I don't wear all natural fiber clothing. I don't have a household chlorine filter. We don't use solar power, but we are learning daily in the Flint house to take care of our souls, minds, bodies, spirits and environment.
6. My need to blame other people for the size of my BUTT!!! No it's not my kids fault that I gained weight with each pregnancy and never lost it. No my mom didn't pass on a "fat gene". Yes the "clean plate club" isn't healthy, but I made my own choices. I made my own poor decisions. I consciously chose to allow my health and physical appearance to decline slowly over years. I did this to myself. It was selfish. It sucks. I struggle with guilt, shame and anger often, BUT I am free from the need to blame others. I'm currently working on the gift of forgiveness extended to myself and learning to walk FREELY in my "new, improved, changing body".
7. My fear that it will ALWAYS be this way. My anxiety that "this is as good as it gets". I know now that THIS IS NOT TRUE!!! I am changing. Every part of me is changing. It's not just my waistline that's getting an overhaul. From the inside out I'm becoming the woman God made me to be and it's a fabulously hard, overwhelming, challenging, encouraging journey of brokenness, pain, joy and success.
8. My pride. Do you know how humbling it is to walk into a gym/personal training studio at approximately 130+ pounds more than a doctor recommend? I have been humbled. I thought I was talented, coordinated and able UNTIL....I encountered a bosu, a lunge, resistance bands, etc. See one of my previous posts for more info on this subject. YES I had to get over myself. I had to put all of that aside to take my sorry, flabby, HUGE butt back to the gym. Guess what, I'm not the only one who can't do the "Warrior Pose" perfectly or that looks at a truck tire and says "Oh I can't WAIT to flip that thing". I have to get over myself a little EVERY time I workout. I have to put aside my prideful thinking that I know what's best for myself. I have to put aside my need to be right to adopt my need to be rightly taught. Being on this journey is humbling. Can I say that again? Being FAT was the easy part. Losing this fat is the hardest thing I've ever done. Harder than being married. Harder than mothering a child with autism or two sets of twins. Harder than homeschooling. Harder than learning to play a musical instrument. By far the HARDEST thing I've ever done. I like to succeed. I like to excel. I like to be first. Well guess what....I'm not going to be first at this. I'm probably going to be LAST, BUT I'm gonna finish and that what counts!!!
9. Obviously 22 pounds and several inches. I haven't remeasured, but I can't wait to see my progress. It is inspiring. It is empowering. It is FREEING!!!
10. My need to succeed overnight. Yes it is nice to see the scales move sometimes daily, BUT I really am becoming increasingly aware that losing this weight slowly is the RIGHT way. I would like to be healthy, whole and happy in God's time NOT mine. If that is a year from now WONDERFUL. If it's shorter or longer, glory be to Him who has given me the power to complete my journey.
11. The need to give Nathan a hard time about sleeping. I have learned that at least seven hours of sleep a night is important. I also have re-learned the appreciation for a GOOD nap!!!
2. Personal Responsibility. Guess what? If I don't get my bootie off of the couch it's not going to get any smaller. It's not about having a partner. It's not about Nathan getting his act together and losing weight (although that's happening....PRAISE GOD). It's about ME taking responsibility for my health. Guess how junk food gets into the cart at the grocery store? In my case sometimes kids put it there, sometimes I USED to put it there. Ultimately though I was the one paying for the purchase. I was the one saying "sure. put that poison into your body". I have to take responsibility, act like a grown up, be the parent, etc. You catch my drift???
3. An appreciation for sweat :-). I really do enjoy exercising. If I miss a day I feel a little out of sorts, like something is missing. I feel disappointed because I didn't have the opportunity to sweat. No how odd is that? I am learning to jog and hope to participate in a 5K next month. I walk regularly and have hiked for the first time EVER. I also am learning about interval training and using weights. It's GREAT!
4. A deeper understand of the mind/body connection and ultimately the truth in the Scripture that we are fearfully and wonderfully made. My God is so creative. My God is so detail oriented and desires for us to have an abundant life. I am learning that I really AM what I eat. I want my body, mind, soul and spirit to bring glory to God! I am learning that everything is connected and important. I can't exercise but eat junk. I can't eat right but not exercise. I can't do both but not get enough sleep. I need good posture, flexibility, serenity. My body was designed to be strong and healthy. I like learning more about this all!!
5. A sense of patience. To become the woman I was created to be I must invest time. I am learning that hard work DOES pay off, and that all good things come to those who WAIT!!! I didn't get fat overnight. I'm not going to get thinnER overnight. Reality is where it's at. Reality is where I want to stay. Knowing what is going to happen and what isn't is so much better than staying in pretend, denial, la-la land. Yes every meal counts. Yes every ounce counts. Yes every good nights sleep helps. See the point.
6. The ability to forgive. Although I am still working on this I know now more than ever the importance of forgiving. This applies to others AND to myself. The guilt, shame and bitterness that obesity carries with it is immense. I am learning moment by moment to walk in freedom. Daily I am faced with the choice to forgive others and myself and to make choices based out of my new, freedom mentality. No processing forgiveness doesn't happen over a piece of cake or a Sonic Bacon Cheeseburger. It happens by praying, fasting, journaling, crying out to God and stopping to really meditate on His forgiveness towards ME. This is hard, but SOOOOO worth it. Remember Matthew 6:15 "But if you do not forgive others, then your Father will not forgive your transgressions." I WANT to be forgiven.
7. The increasing awareness of the importance of organization and planning. Once again a HARD area for me. I am grateful for revelation and clear thinking. I'm working diligently daily to learn how to plan meals, to plan shopping trips, to make schedules, to follow plans and guidelines, to prioritize, etc. I fall short in this arena of life often, but I am picking myself back up and continuing to run the race.
8. A sense of hope. I was successful in losing weight before Joseph was born. Back in 2000 I lost close to 50 pounds. I was 180 the day I found out I was pregnant with Joseph. Since that attempt at weight loss I have never been successful. I have failed and failed miserably. Hopelessness, dread, anxiety, fear, disappointment, grief and other emotions have attached themselves to the journey of pursuing health and well-being. However, now I FEEL HOPE. There IS a light at the end of the tunnel. Change is possible. I can do this AND MORE. I will lose weight. I can be healthy. No I won't be tiny. I won't be THIN, but I can shop at regular stores. I am learning to speak hope, life and positivity into my life and situation.
9. I have gained a greater understanding of God's presence. I can call out to Him in the middle of a workout and know that He hears me. I can bring ANY fear, problem, stress, desire, need to Him and know that He cares. Prayer does work. Talking to God isn't weird, odd or crazy. It's real, beautiful, necessary.
10. A greater understanding that it's NOT all about me, but that I do matter. I CAN take the time to workout. I can work with a trainer even though it costs. Buying workout clothes doesn't put my kids in jeopardy. Making my kids walk with me daily isn't being a bad mom, it's being a GOOD one. My health, well-being, mental stability matters to me, to my family and most importantly to GOD!!!
11. I have gained a more pure understanding of beauty. This world is fallen and therefore it's sense of beauty is skewed. What Hollywood, and NYC think as beauty is NOT the read deal. If God thinks I'm beautiful and my husband finds me beautiful than I am a blessed woman. I want my heart to be the prettiest heart I can have. Sure I would love to turn my husband's head with my curves, but more importantly I want my husband to tell others of his helpmate. Nathan needs to find beauty in the way i love him, serve him, give myself for him. I'm learning. I'm growing. I'm changing and I'm becoming BEAUTIFUL!!!