Game Plan

So here is my current game plan to get me to my next stage/goal....

1.  I've registered for two races this year.  Since I paid for both simultaneously I received a discount.  The Snohomish Women's River Run in May will be a 10K since I haven't run regularly or trained since July 2013.  The second race will be the 2014 Snohomish River Run in which I will participate in the half-marathon.  Both of these races are on Sundays and I usually don't race on Sunday's but I feel it's really important to push myself and I'm sure I have my pastor's approval.  Nathan gifted me these races for my 39th birthday.  I'm so blessed.

I'm looking at a few other races and am excited to get back to jogging.  Although both of my knees are creaking these days so I'm going to be careful.

2.  I'm going to participate in a challenge group led by a friend of mine.  Hoping to lose a few pounds by following a menu plan and each doing the same workouts and staying accountable via the Internet.  I'll give you more details on this in a bit.  Especially if it works.  This starts in a few weeks.

3.  I met with a new friend of mine to discuss life, Jesus, kids and health related goals.  I'm very interested in possibly using some of the products we discussed.  Yeah...more info on that also if I go with a program.

4.  I've got to get back into the groove with meal planning and once a week food prep.  It makes all of the difference when I do this for me AND for my family.  I'm also going to shop at Trader Joe's for the first time this week.

5.  Goal setting, journaling and reality checks...This is a big part of this journey for me.  I must stay focused, honest, accountable and on top of this to really see progress. 

I'm going to be posting soon about some goals to achieve before I'm 40.  So stay tuned...

Hello 2014

Short post.

Life.....gets in the way sometimes of living.

2013.  Not the best year.

Current weight 184.  That is a gain.  I was down to 171 at one point in 2013.  I've played with the 170s for months.  Now due to PMS and the holidays I'm in the 180s.

STOP.  NO more.  42 pounds.....gone by 12/31/14.

By my 40th birthday on 3/19/15 I WILL be my goal or lower.

One step at a time.  I CAN do this. 

13.1 is So Much More than a Sticker

I remember years ago seeing an oval shaped sticker on a car that simply read 13.1.  I didn't know what it meant so I "googled" it and immediately thought....my car will never have one of those.  Things change....I will be adding a sticker to my "Mom mobile".  On Saturday July 20, 2013 I participated in my first half marathon.  The Windhorse Run was a fundraising event for school supplies for children in Mongolia.  The race was in Bellingham, WA which is an hour and fifteen minutes from my home in Everett.  The race was very small and extremely low key. 

Here are 13 things that I experienced on race day

• Friendly and supportive people within the community of running.  This included the volunteers, organizers and participants.  Even though this race was a down and back I didn't feel any pressure or sadness as the other runners "lapped" me.  Actually they were quite supportive and kept saying "good job", "you're almost there", "keep going".
• Beautiful scenery-Bellingham, WA is a gorgeous place (well at least the interurban trail and greenway are).  The majesty of the forest coupled with breathtaking views of the bay was a gift.  This was by far one of, if not, THE prettiest trails I've ever run.
• The reminder that I should run more than once a week (or maybe even once every two weeks).  Shame on me, yes I know.  Before the 20th I hadn't run since July 5th and that was a 14 mile run.  No wonder why at mile 10 my calf was cramping so badly that one of my toes actually curled up under my foot involuntarily.  Sheesh....not fun Janelle....YOU MUST DO BETTER!
• Joy, serenity and peace.  Yes, there were moments of pain, frustration and challenge, but overall I had a BLAST.  My friend Leslie suggested to me that I smile the entire way.  I'm so glad to have taken her advice.  It made the run easier and so much more fun!!!  I had peace in knowing that I had done 14 miles before so unless a major mishap occurred I would cross the finish line.  There was joy in running with friends and knowing that my body was healthy enough to complete the race.
• A deep and fulfilling sense of accomplishment.  I was reading my journal just this morning and it placed this accomplishment into perspective.  On Aug. 18, 2011 I tried to jog one lap around a local park in NC.  The distance of this lap isn't even a .10 mile.  And to think I was so happy that I almost finished it.  I think I've come a long way in less than two years. 
• The stirring in my heart once again that anything can be an act of worship.  This was my FB status on Friday night before the race "In a matter of hours I will willingly be running 13.1 miles. No one will be holding a gun to my head and nothing will be on fire. My prayer is not that I will win because that won't happen. My prayer isn't to change the world through running because my small donation (entry fee) isn't the answer for children in Mongolia (Jesus is). My prayer is to run FREE in Him, to enjoy the trail, offering my body as a living sacrifice and my effort as worship to the One that has allowed me to progress from running less than 13 feet to 13 miles in a few short years. Tomorrow isn't a race it is an act of abundant living!!!"
• Love unconditional and support from my husband.  Better than my medal for finishing my half marathon.....I came home to a CLEAN home (Nathan swept, mopped, vacuumed, cleaned the oven, kitchen counters, all the bathrooms and there wasn't a toy in the floor). It was my gift and I'm so glad that Nathan and the kids could be proud of me in that way.  My race would not have been possible without their sacrifice to allow me to train. Next race is going to be tougher and we are going to have to work through some logistics. A long bath, a nap and dinner were a perfect way to unwind. 
• A reminder that we are very close to Canada and that we live in a beautiful part of the country.  It made me want to seriously get out and explore the scenery and get a passport so we can see British Columbia.  We don't know how long we are going to live in the pacific NW and I want to enjoy as much of it as possible. 
• The pressure of trying to find a spot in the woods to pee, do it quickly, pull up wet, sweaty compression shorts while not holding up your team too much.  My team was gracious, but not my favorite part of the race.  No matter how much I try to hydrate pre race (days in advance) and pee before the race...I always have to pee during a 10+mile run. 
• NOT making it to the finish line in time for the awards OR the post race bbq.  That won't happen AGAIN!  I knew we were "slow", but sheesh.  However, we did beat the old people and the walkers.  Actually I think there were 8 racers behind us. 
• A sense of awe and wonder again at the complexity of the human body.  The way that the muscles, joints, tendons, ligaments etc. work together to allow the human body to run.  The grace and beauty of the runners that make running look easy and the peace they exude as they work like a machine was fascinating.  The winner finished in 1:30.  AMAZING!!
• The fun and joy of friendship.  I was blessed to run alongside my friend and pastor Tim Moore, my friend Karol and to have trained with my friend and pastor Joe Chambers (who couldn't race due to being out of town).  Although I am relatively new to WA I am blessed to be making real connections.  Slow, but steady...just like my running ;-)
• A renewed sense of hope.  I have forty pounds left to lose to get to "goal' weight.  Although the numbers on the scales have been stuck, the numbers on my pedometer are increasing and I am taking hope that as I keep learning the groove of my life here in WA that the numbers of my measurements and weight will begin to scoot downward once again.  I am making new goals, revisiting old patterns, journaling again, re-reading Made to Crave and actively starting on my Bible memorization (one verse per pound I've lost).  I'm also praying about joining a gym or finding a trainer.  Finding balance...it's hard, but possible.

Thanks as always for following me on my journey.  I'm looking at another race in October and dreaming of one next August (2014).  Maybe I'll share about that one later..

A Little Off Balance

     I'm going to invent a new sport. I know that in the Highland Games or any other Scottish Festival there are throwing events. I'm going to add the "Scale Fling". I'm OVER what my scales say. I logged 29.5 miles jogging this week and NO budging.
     I'm starting to think something is up with my calorie recommendations. Not out, but down a bit today.  My Fitness Pal recommends a different max caloric intake than my friend and former trainer/teacher.  Also it's difficult for me to get in my proper balance.  The night before a run I don't think I'm eating enough or the right food.  I still wig out about mile 6.  Trying to balance losing weight and training my body for longer distance running is a fine line.  I still haven't found my balance of cardio/yoga and strength training to mix in with my half-marathon preparation.  My head knows that I have the tools that I need, but after years of not exercising I still tend to lean too much on support.  Not having my group fitness class has really thrown me for a loop.  I admit that my feeble attempts are failing. 
     So I'm going to try and run/walk 3-4X week (one long, one medium, one short and one walk).  I'm going to do body weight strength training and/or 30-Day Shred DVD 3X week.  I'm going to up my caloric intake which means I'll have to shift some "goals" on MFP.  Water intake increased.  Rest increased.  Back to journaling.  Early to bed, early to rise and a better balance of faith and family.
     Speaking of balance I've also learned some valuable lessons lately in terms of relationships.  When I moved here I had a small group of women that spoke truth into my life.  Actually I had two separate groups.  I had my 12-step group of ladies and I had my workout group.  Here in WA I don't have that support system YET, but I feel it coming.  I'm working daily on establishing and building relationships.  I'm praying for authenticity and I'm asking God to help me be a friend and have a friend. 
     We are getting ready to start the process of building our Celebrate Recovery program for Restoration Church Mukilteo and the idea of opening myself up to another group of women can be intimidating at times.  I have LOTS of junk in my trunk (literally and figuratively...hehehehe) and although I've processed many things there are new things that need working on/through.  I however, have trust in my God and in the DNA of the program of Celebrate Recovery.  I don't have anything to hide and I know that in God's time He will provide me an opportunity to communion with Him, myself and others that I trust.  Also I'm realizing once again that there are seasons in life and the friendships that God blessed me with in NC...some will continue and unfortunately some will not.  That is just the way it is, BUT I know that I have the gift of eternity and I will be reunited with some of those people there.  Some relationships that had priority there have taken a back seat and others have been renewed through snail mail, and texting.  It's been a gift.  There have been differences of opinions, people who have become a bit guarded and others who haven't spoken to me in years that feel confident in sharing openly. 
     At first I felt a bit saddened that people I used to talk to almost daily seem to have too busy a life to call/text, but with the time difference it is inevitable.  Also, I realize that they have their own life and I have mine.  I LIKE my life here in WA.  Instead of mentally and physically listing the things I miss (as I have been) I'm going to focus on the things I HAVE and like here in WA.  The ugly monster of co-dependency can rear it's head on occasion.  Sometimes via FB or other media I find myself feeling a bit sad as to who is talking to who, who gets to go places with who, what is happening in NC...etc.  I see inside jokes posted and I feel saddened that I'm not included.  There are pictures posted, goals celebrated, achievements happening, life without me.  I hear the joys and sorrows of lives of those that touched me daily and I feel a bit displaced.  However, I share in new joys and goals here.  It is all a bit surreal and I'm still learning to make sense of it. 
     Finding balance is truly exercise both spiritually and physically, but I'm up for task!!!  Thanks for reading.

Running

You couldn't convince me that I would ever be a runner. To tell you the truth I'm not sure that I still qualify as a runner. I jog. Being fast will never be an issue for me. I'm not looking for my next "PR". I don't belong to a running group or have the latest gear. However, I have discovered the gift of moving my body in a rhythm outside in God's creation. The freedom, joy and peace that comes when walking/jogging/running is empowering, liberating and worth celebrating.

I found this song a while back and I want to share it with you. I have spent most of my adult life dealing with anxiety, fear and shame. Running from things and avoiding confrontation was a way of life. Facing my "stuff" head on wasn't something I embraced until 2005 when I was introduced to a ministry called Celebrate Recovery. So this song is about my new way of viewing life. I'm not running from, I'm running TO something. I'm running toward my loving father.

Be blessed as you learn the joy of running (whether literally or spiritually or BOTH)!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g8MIz0FYvAU

A Very Puzzling Question

Yesterday as I was doing a training jog with my pastors, Joe Chambers and Tim Moore, I was asked a puzzling question.  Tim asked if I could realize emotionally or physically the transformation I have undergone.  He mentioned how the change is very evident to other people.  He said that almost weekly he and his wife Melissa could see a difference. 

I really am going to have to think about this one.  This is a very good subject for me to grapple with and honestly inspect my thoughts and feelings.  I believe there might be some left over hurt, pain and ways of thinking that might be clogging my continued progress.  The finish line is in sight and if I want to cross it, I've got to regain focus.  A new sense of passion and purpose can come from celebrating successes and making small, realistic goals.

In terms of spiritual and emotional progress the answer came more quickly.  A resounding YES!!!  I know that I am a much different woman in the areas of my thinking, habits, approach to food, realization of my food addiction, etc. than I was in Oct. of 2010.  I don't say that lightly.  I still struggle and there are days that I want to overeat.  However, the conviction/realization of my error comes so quickly and I am able to slow down and realize that the food didn't taste as good as success. My body is NOT my own.  I've been bought with a price and for me to just mindlessly eat food, or even worse, to make a purposeful choice to overeat or eat unhealthy foods is an issue to me now.  Yes, I'm aware that this sounds crazy, legalistic and super spiritual to some of you.  For me...it's part of my faith.  It's part of my daily living out my love and honor for the One who saved me, redeemed me and changed my life forever!!!

Of course I realize I'm smaller because I am having to buy new clothes.  However, I still don't really truly "get it".  The other night JoyAnn and I were shopping at Target.  I kept holding up these clothes and thinking "these must be for really skinny people".  I brought some things into the dressing room and some of them were the right size and some of them obviously weren't.  I'm somewhere between a large and a medium.  Although women's clothing is ridiculous.  I have everything from a medium to an XL in my closet.  It's just hard to know what will fit and I don't always have the time to try everything on before I leave the store.  It was nice to know that I can fit into different things.  I'm not pleased that most medium/large shirts are sleeveless or have very short sleeves.  My arms will NEVER be what I want them to be (without skin removal surgery).  My three year old James says they are "flappy dough arms".  I'm not interested in "skinny jeans" EVER.  I don't even want to try anything that says "mid rise".  The scales and/or tag might say a certain number but my body tells a VERY different story.  Years of obesity, five children, two sets of twins, shame, guilt, up and down weight fluctuations really take a toll or your physique. 

This is a struggle for me.  I'm very proud of how far I've come.  I KNOW that it is worth every tear, every drop of sweat, every run, jog, walk, lifting session.  However, I don't want to become prideful, obsessed or "miss the mark" when it comes to the true point/depth of this transformation process.  Skin removal surgery would be helpful in terms of cosmetic, but is it the right thing for me?  Nathan loves me, even though I look like a Shar Pei.  He is the only one (minus a doctor or physician) that will ever have to see the not so pretty, complete picture of who I am.  Nathan sees that physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally and loves me unconditionally.  On the other hand after YEARS of hard work, wouldn't it be worth the pain of the surgeries to finally realize my goal and SEE it with my own eyes.  We don't have insurance, so is the cost worth it?  Are the scars worth it?  Should I endure pain and long recovery times just to fit into a certain size or wear a sleeveless shirt and not be ashamed?  Maybe, JUST maybe the issue isn't my sags and bags...it's still a wounded heart???  I'm not sure.  I'm praying through all of this. 

I need to update my site with a most recent picture.  I need to keep the transformation ever before me so I don't lose sight of who I am.  Thanks as always for taking the time to read as I take the time to continue to ponder.....do I realize, can I realize the depth of this process???

Training

Ok.....today I will register for my first half-marathon.  I can't even believe I'm typing these words or considering pushing my body to run 13.1 miles.  If all goes well on July 20, 2013 I will be participating in the windhorse run.  I will be running alongside of my pastors.  We had our first training run yesterday.  Not quite four miles.  My mind tells me I can't do this.  My heart tells me I can.  Praying that my heart wins.

I've only run 10+ miles once.  It was on a series of trails in Montreat, NC.  Our group ran leisurely.  It was about fun, distance, enjoying the sunshine.  We stopped when we needed to stretch, get a drink or use the bathroom.  I don't know how I'm going to do this, but I'm going to try.  My crunchy knee reminds me of the years of obesity. 

Speaking of which...seriously how much weight does a girl have to lose before she's not "obese" anymore.  I think if I hear the Wii Fit program say "that's obese" once more I'll vomit.  109 pounds isn't good enough?  Runtastic says I'm obese.  My scale says I'm obese....guess I'm still OBESE.  124 will NEVER happen.  140...that's more like it.  Trying to stay positive in a world with mixed messages and charts, graphs, numbers, sizes, measurements can be tough.  One pound at a time, that's all I can celebrate. 

We've had several days of sunshine here in Everett.  This entire weekend is to be sunny and in the 70's.  I am hoping today involves a walk, run, hike or trip to the park.  I'm praying that I can spend time with my friend Melissa on a trail.  Sunshine is a GIFT and I'm not going to take it for granted.  Keep reading.  Keep trying.  Keep believing in me AND in yourself.  Change is possible.  I'm missing my running gals from back home, but oh how you would love the view here.  Blessings to whomever might read and have a fabulous weekend.

The Fine Line of Grace

Yes....I should extend myself grace.  I realize this is a weight loss journey.  However, I can't extend grace to myself when I overeat in a premeditated setting.  Nathan and I had a date on Monday night and AS we were walking into the restaurant I remember thinking "ask them NOT to bring chips and salsa".  However, when the chips came I ate my weight in guacamole.  I also didn't mind ordering dinner after I gorged myself.  Yes, the conversation was nice.  I enjoyed my husband's uninterrupted time IMMENSELY, BUT I didn't make wise choices and I could have.  I should have ordered a salad.  I could have.... You get the drift.

Yes, sometimes there are unavoidable bobbles when it comes to eating/overeating.  However, I could have avoided the pineapple casserole at last nights dinner.  I could have made a different choice at Avocado's on Monday night.  I don't have to buy sweets at the grocery store.  I CAN decide to eat healthy, "real" foods.

Grace...yes there is grace.  Today IS a new day.   Each meal holds its own choices.  However, I HAVE to keep it real.  I have to grow from my mistakes and I have to keep on keeping on in this journey. 

Thanks for letting me rant.  Today I WILL be under my calorie goal.  Today I WILL move my body.  Today I will plan my meals and feel good about them.  Today I WILL drink enough water.  Today I will remember that I've lost 100+ pounds BUT I have more to lose and that can't happen if I keep ignoring the small things. 

Have a good day and yes I'm thankful for God's grace that even allowed me a four hundred and seventy second chance (ok...maybe I exaggerated a bit) to lose weight. 

Accountability

Accountability is where it's at!  I had forgotten the power of allowing people into your lives at many various levels.  Awareness set in AGAIN that if I want to see the numbers budge on that scale I'm going to have to get real and be aware of my food choices, my activity level and my thought patterns.  Here are some of the things I've done to increase/establish great accountability:

1.   I've logged back onto My Fitness Pal and I've added some friends. 
2.   I joined a rewards group at Walgreens that gives points for fitness goals.
3.   I'm going to start blogging here again REGULARLY. 
4.   I'm helping my daughter keep a food journal for her and we've set a goal for the both of us. 
5.  We are trying to get onto Wii Fit Plus daily. 

This week I am hoping to make a trip to a supplement store and get the entire family on Vitamin D and pick up some multi-vitamins for the family.  I've set a goal and I want to share it publicly (so you can hold me accountable).  I weighed 177 today and by May 31st I would like to be 165.  I know that is PUSHING it, but it's a goal AND if Nathan says that we have the funds I'm hoping to sign up for my first half marathon in July.  Our pastors are running and I would like to be a part of this race (it's for a good cause). 

Have a great weekend blog friends.  I think there is gonna be some sun again today...so I've GOT to get outside of this house.

In Case You Wanted to Know

Do you remember months ago when I posted that I was gifted with $199 as an incentive to get below 200 pounds?

I'm not sure I posted what I bought with that money.  I want to share you.  I spent the last $20 this week. 

1.  A dress and jacket were purchased for my 100 pound party (which I didn't get to have...YET)
 They were in a size 14/16 and the first dress I've purchased in a decade or longer.

2.  2 pairs of shoes (heels)

3.  A pair of jeans (size 14)

4.  A coffee date for me and a friend

5. Two new bras

6.  Paid registration for myself and Mandy Dunham to run the Valentine's 5K (this was her 1st race)

So...thank you to whomever blessed me.  It was truly a miracle and I pray you are pleased with my purchases. 

Thankful...

I'm thankful that Thanksgiving is no longer about the food for me.  Crazy huh???  For many years all I could think of was the large, happy meal that I would be ingesting.  Oh, and the rest of the other "thankful" stuff was mixed in there somewhere.

Praise be to God that He captured my heart AND my stomach and that now I can live a life, a I Thes. 5:18 life, of continual gratitude.

Don't get me wrong.  I will enjoy my MUCH smaller portions of turkey, sweet potatoes, pumpkin pie and a roll tomorrow.  I'm just glad that it no longer has a hold on me.  I am hoping to start my day with a nice "Turkey Trot" with my friend Leslie.  We are hoping to get in at least 5 miles and start off our day on a positive note.

I'm up 2.5 pounds.  The scales are saying 186.5 and my goal is for them to say 150 by May 20, 2013.
Let's replace all of the weight I have lost (negative baggage) with happy, grateful thoughts.  Here are 101 things that I am ever so grateful and not only tomorrow.

My Gratitude List:

1. A relationship with God through Jesus Christ.  My life is different because the Holy Spirit drew me to Him and I have given my life to God through Christ.
2. A loving husband, Nathan, of 17 years.  Marriage hasn't been easy, but it is OH so worth it.
3. Five amazing, unique, fun, challenging and inspiring children.
4. Four boys that are rough, tumble, and someday WILL eat me out of house and home.
5. A precocious tomboy named JoyAnn who is at the brink of young womanhood.  One day she wants to wear her favorite football jersey, the next, her dresses and cowgirl boots.  I love that girlie!
6. Living in America.  As screwed up as our country is, it is in many ways SO wonderful.
7. A faith family at Mountain View Church.  God called us away for a brief time, but I am so grateful to have returned there.  In the last 9 months my family has been immersed in the Word in a way that has impacted and changed our lives forever.  Our hearts have been stirred and there's NO GOING BACK!
8. The experience of being introduced to inductive Bible study and having the opportunity to become a Precept Ministries trained leader.  I am falling in love with the Word of God afresh and anew on a daily basis.
9. The gift of a humbling journey to empty myself of pride and anger and do the work to lose 101 pounds.  Although I am embarrassed to have allowed myself to become so morbidly obese, I am so glad to have been given the chance to live again!!!
10. Good hair and good teeth.  I'm almost 38 and have never had a cavity.  I'm also blessed with thick hair.
11. Having grown up in a military family.  By being exposed to diversity, multiculturalism and very good academic opportunities, I feel more rounded than some of my friends.
12. A college degree (even though I really didn't want to finish).  I'm so glad I had the chance.
13. A sense of humor.  Although I have learned the hard way quite often about my sarcasm and it's hurtful tendencies, my dry wit has come in handy over the years.
14. Good skin.  My complexion usually doesn't give me any trouble.  
15. The gift of growing up in a home with TWO parents.  So many people I know come from broken homes.  I love and appreciate my Dad and Mom.
16. Qualified, patient and loving therapists to work with my son Joseph, who is on the autism spectrum.  Machelle, Bernie, Darren, Karen, Martha, and Mindy have all played a role in Joseph's improvements over the last years.
17. Peanut Butter
18. Movie theater popcorn with extra butter
19. Learning to move more and eat less.  So grateful to have learned to jog and really enjoy it.
20. Music that stirs my soul and causes me to weep with joy, pain, contemplation, desire, etc.
21. Thick milkshakes that leave a mustache after you drink them.
22. A wonderful woman named Nell Williams, my Nannie, that loved me gently and completely for 33 years of my life.
23. Pizza.  Even bad pizza is still good pizza.
24. Chiropractic adjustments.
25. A warm cup of coffee with half and half.
26. Laughing until your sides hurt.
27. Watching my children sleep and knowing that they are safe in the care of their Creator.
28. Celebrate Recovery.  The ministry of God's Word, the 8 principles and the 12 steps has reconciled my marriage, changed my heart and allowed me to say for the first time in my life (at the age of 33) "I like myself".
29. Duct tape
30. The feeling of slipping on a pair of jeans in a smaller size and being able to pull them up, and zip them comfortably.
31. Picnics
32. The variety of colors God created.  Especially when visible in the covenant rainbow.  Double rainbows are the BEST!!
33. Warm bubble baths
34. Feeling the sand between your toes during a walk on the beach.
35. Having the ability to read, study and memorize the Word of God.
36. Snow
37. The majesty of sunrises and sunsets.  The creativity, beauty and unique splendor of each new day.
38. Books.  Reading is such fun and a gift to be able to obtain knowledge in that way.
39. Friendship
40. Christmas music.  I could listen to it everyday, all year long!
41. Date night!  I'm so blessed that my husband still makes time to be with me and counts it joy.  I love our moments together, if even brief.
42. The opportunity to have helped lead/facilitate worship for the women's Bible study at the Cove for 9 years!!!
43. Having had the chance to live on the East Coast and to live in the West.  I've seen lots of the country and have loved the unique qualities of each climate.
44. The absolute gift of being a part of Elah Moriah Massey's birth.  Totally different experience than giving birth.  I LOVED it!
45. The ability to type.
46. Clean water to drink, cook, bathe, prepare food.
47. The knowledge and talent to read music, create music and appreciate music!!!
48. Flannel sheets
49. Live Christmas trees
50. The chance to start all over again.  No matter what the situation.
51. Nathan's homemade apple pie.
52. The crispness of the air in Fall and the splendid color of the leaves in the mountains of Western North Carolina.
53. Warm summer evenings filled with nostalgia.
54. Pictures that help to restore, relive and revive memories.
55. Lifting heavy weights and putting them down....a LOT, and in repeated succession.  ;-)
56. A mother and father-in-law that genuinely love and respect me.  They pray for me and help me in ANY way possible.  Oh how fortunate and blessed I am.
57. Smoothies
58. The BRIEF moment when your house is clean.  Granted when the children wake up or return from their outing that will change.  Yet, there is that brief moment when all is well.  ;-)
59. Big breakfasts.  Biscuits, gravy, eggs, fruit, bacon and/or sausage. Maybe hash browns, cheese grits, and cinnamon rolls or other pastries.  Coffee, milk and juice top it all off with a glazed over smile.
60. Butter.  Real butter.  Not this margarine crap.
61. Men of God that have taught me and brought me into the TRUTH over the course of my life.  Praise God for pastors, teachers and counselors.
62. Unexpected blessings
63. Learning from my mistakes and the gift of trying to help my children not make the same ones.  
64. Singing/playing at countless weddings and funerals and being a part of such sacred moments.
65. The fact that my husband can SING!!!  His voice still moves me, after all of these years.
66. The gift of home educating, although incredibly trying at times.
67. Blogging and journaling.
68. Good food accompanied by fabulous company, preferably topped off with great music.  That's my idea of an evening well spent!
69. Fresh strawberry, spinach salad with stinky cheese and a poppy seed dressing.
70. Gingerale and Saltine crackers during/after a stomach yuck.
71. The feeling of having your teeth cleaned by the dentist.
72. Having the privilege of a nice uninterrupted day at the hair salon.  A wash, cut, set/style and wax does a girl's heart good.
73. Receiving/partaking in communion with fellow believers.
74. The joy of encouraging another.
75. Giving AND receiving love.
76. That moment where you feel brave enough to do something that you've never done before.
77. Sleeping outside.
78. Sharing life with a small group of people that love you, encourage you and hold you accountable.  Conversations that challenge, inspire and lead you back to the cross are a true treasure.
79. Having had the chance to worship in a variety of settings/denominations.
80. Kisses.  Long, short, passionate, flirty, gentle.  Kisses.  All kinds ;-)
81. The internet
82. Raw cookie dough.  Oh and baked cookies too I guess!!!
83. A good back scratch.
84. Obsessive list making ;-)
85. The fact that my children have a GREAT relationship with BOTH sets of grandparents!
86. Three brothers.  All different.  All wonderful!
87. Cheesecake.  Red Velvet cake.  Pumpkin pie.
88. People that are gifted in different areas.  For instance my trainer, Leslie Raper, who knew exactly how to inspire, challenge, encourage me to enter the race to life, health, wholeness and healing.  I'm 100+ pounds lighter today because of her care/concern/knowledge.
89. Prayer!!!!
90. When someone sends you flowers or surprises you by bringing them over to your house.
91. Late night phone conversations that last into the wee hours of the morning.
92. Krispy Kreme donut runs at crazy hours of the night.
93. Learning to "accept hardship as a pathway to peace".
94. The smell of soup or chili simmering on the stove or in the crockpot.  Knowing that you are going to top it with cheese, pair it with fritos, crackers, bread and feel full, happy and blessed!!!
95. Smiling
96. Knowing that there is a difference between "first" love and "lasting" love!!!
97. Crossword puzzles, word searches and other brain testing fun activities
98. Hugs!!!
99. Good movies.  Good books.  Good music. Good art.  Good poetry.  I LOVE the fine arts and am grateful for each genre.
100. Grilled cheese sandwiches with high quality bread and cheese selections.  These are especially fabulous paired with tomato basil soup!
101. Looking "girly", feeling "girly" and being noticed by your husband for being HIS "girly"!!!!

Thank YOU for taking the time to read my list.  Have a Happy Thanksgiving and keep practicing gratitude!!!

My Anniversary

Today is the two year anniversary of my day of reckoning.  

October 31, 2010 the scales tipped at 285.6.  My heart was crushed and I was desperate.  The reflection in the mirror showed a woman who had lost all control and was trying to hide behind this mask of fat she had created.  

Today I can fit into ONE leg of those jeans, those jeans that were size 28.  Yesterday I wore my brand new 14's ;-).  I'm almost to the point to where I can shop in a "normal" store.  Oh for the day when I don't have a letter attached to my size or have to pay a few dollars extra because I'm considered "plus".  I digress....

Today I'm going to be POSITIVE.  I'm gonna brag on God.  I'm gonna brag on myself.  I'm gonna brag on my family.  I'm gonna brag on Leslie Raper (my friend and trainer). Today is a day of celebration and joy.  I will revel in two years of crying, struggling, learning, growing and changing.  730 days of ups and downs, relapses and progress, lifting, sweating, running, stretching, swinging, lunging, and pressing.  That's what today is about.  Two revolutions around the sun while I cried, prayed, memorized, blogged, talked, shared, hoped, dreamed of relief, release, freedom.

I've been vulnerable, honest and transparent in this blog.  Continuing to do so is crucial for my further success.  You see, this journey isn't over.  I would like to be 140-150 pounds.  Today the scales revealed..... drum-roll please............the number 186.  If you'll indulge me the .4 pounds, that is a loss of.....

pounds!!!  Isn't God good???

  So what does 100 pounds of fat look like?  Here's a gross disgusting picture for you.

No folks, those aren't mandarin oranges....hehehehe.  Sheesh, that's a LOT of fat!  I'm so glad to be rid of that excess grossness.  Please hear me though, there is still flab, extra skin, cellulite, wrinkles, dimples, and stretch marks.  However, I'm healthier, more free, happier, more confident and that's worth ALL of the other.

Thanks for sharing this journey with me.  Thanks for encouraging comments, words and thoughts and prayers.  Have a good day friends.  Celebrate YOUR accomplishment today, whatever it might be, no matter how BIG or SMALL!!!  Today is OUR day ;-)  Oh and I'm still hoping to have a 100 pound party!

When There Aren't Any Words

It's been FAR too long since I've posted in this blog.  I could go on and on about all of the reasons and bore you with details about my life.  I won't.  I'll just say that this blog has not been a priority.  

That's a word for you.  Priority.  What are my priorities?  Which things in my life hold places of prominence?  Which relationships?  Which goals, dreams and hopes?  How do I organize my life?  Is my time managed wisely?  These are questions that I have been pondering for months.  The loving, gracious and patient Holy Spirit has been prompting me in these last weeks to focus in on what is important.  My version of important and His are very different.  Micah 6:8 says "He has told you, O man, what is good; and what does the Lord require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God?" Also Phil. 4:8 reminds me that I am to "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things."

Admitting to you that my perspective has been skewed isn't easy.  Publicly admitting that I'm not the person I want to be or should be is humbling.  None of my relationships are getting the attention they deserve.  This home is a wreck.  Spiritually, my life is weak.  The 17 year marriage is holding on because of all the work I've invested in the past, but isn't getting current attention.  Sweet children are surviving.  The home school that meets here is barely educating.   Eating habits are sliding.  Weight is fluctuating.  Goals are not getting met.  Dreams are fading.     

"In my hurt, at my worst, when my world falls down.  Not for a moment will You forsake me.  Not for a moment will you forsake me."  The Lord is constant and His mercies are new every morning.  I don't deserve ONE of them, yet He lovingly and willingly pours them out on me moment by moment.  

Today there are words.  Today I say "Lord, with your help I will try AGAIN.".  Today I cry out "I need you to fix me and restore to me the joy of YOUR salvation.".  Today there are words that relate my pain, hurt, grief, sorrow, fear, doubt, uncertainty, joy and willingness.  Today my heart, mind and mouth unite in speaking the beauty, grace, majesty, mercy, forgiveness, holiness and justice of my Lord.  My heart desires to be a DOER of the Word and not a hearer only.  I will keep going, growing, changing, trying, living, laughing, loving, breathing, dreaming, hoping, forgiving and pursuing.  Today I will BE in the moment what I was called to be and I will walk ONE step at a time with my God.  Today.  That's all I have.

On the way down....

The scales are moving again ever so slowly and I'm grateful!  This morning 196 ;-)

New Incentive

I have an anniversary coming up soon.  No, not a wedding anniversary.  That was on May 20, 2012 and Nathan and I celebrated 17 years.  This anniversary marks the point that I said "I'm done being fat".  October 31, 2012 will mark two years of being a pilgrim on the road to health, wholeness and seeing my feet (hehehehehe).  So to mark this day I would LOVE to celebrate by stepping on the scales and seeing 185.  That would be my first 100 pounds GONE!!!  The scales today said 198.  This number has been fluctuating due to apathy, PMS and this dreaded cold I have right now, but I'm not bummed.  I'm back on track and that's exciting.  So by Oct. 31, 2012 (68 days) I need to lose 13 pounds.  Two years, 100 pounds and countless inches.  What a glorious day that would be for my entire family. Oh and my 20 year high school reunion is on Oct. 13, 2012.  I can't decide if I should go or not go, but I'm leaning towards going and looking fabulous ;-).

Get Your Head in the Game

So I've got to get my head back in the game.  Being on autopilot too long is placing me dangerously at the brink of becoming sloppy, apathetic and unfocused.  The last month, although mostly productive in both weight loss and fitness goals, has been "off". 

Confession time...I must admit that I have allowed certain thing to slip back into my life that have somewhat sabotaged me and my progress.  Nathan makes EXCELLENT bread and I have allowed myself to have the occasional slice.  Then it was a slice with butter.  Then it was a slice with butter AND jelly.  Also I've made some "comfort" foods for Nathan and the kids that I've indulged in (i.e. lasagna, zucchini pie, things that are cheesy, bready and full of "casserolish goodness").  Oh, I can't forget the peanut butter pie, key lime pie and ice cream I've had this last month.  Sheesh....it's a miracle I crossed below 200 pounds.   

Social eating, mindless eating, snacking, skipping meals, overeating, making bad choices, these are all things I've done in the last month.  It's time to STOP!  Now is the time to take control again, get my head straightened out, figure out why I've been coping/acting this way.

Grateful that I can isolate things, see patterns and become present enough in the moment, in my life to make necessary changes.  I'm not where I want to be, but I'm not where I used to be, either.  I have a goal to be at my 100 pounds lost by 10/31/2012.  That's 100 pounds in 2 years.  Then I am going to strive to lose the LAST 50 in another year.  So...by 38 1/2 years old I'll be my goal weight.  I think that's attainable. 

My 100th Post

How fitting that for my 100th post I can announce that my 100's "place" has FINALLY changed.  That's right ladies and gentlemen, drum roll please.......the scale this morning said 198.  I now live and reside in one-derland!  I didn't want to announce my achievement prematurely so I waited to be sure.  Two days consecutively it said 199.5.  The next day it said 198.5 and then this morning 198.5.  I guess it's REAL!!!  Here's a pic to prove it.

To celebrate this accomplishment I went for a ten mile trail run with Leslie and Wendy.  3 hours and 40 minutes running/walking/hiking.  It was intense, challenging and FUN!!!  I'm not as sore today as I thought I would be, and I'm grateful for that.  I also celebrated that challenge with a nice, juicy burger and salad last night on date night.  It was YUMMO!!!

Thanks for all of your support, encouragement and love along the way.  I've crossed a line and I'm NOT going back.  With God's help I will NEVER be over 200 pounds.  Thanks for reading.  Leave me some love if you don't mind.  Have a great weekend. 

Oh and I guess now I can start spending my $199.  I'll keep you posted.

What Defines Me?

So the scales today said 200.0.  I'm about to be below 200 for the first time in 11 years.  I've been working toward this goal since 10/31/2010.  It isn't my final goal, but it is the1st of many.  As excited as I am about this I've really been thinking lately.  Does a number define me? 

I am struggling to find center, balance, and my place in it all.  Some days I'm "on top of the world".  Lately though I've been off balance.  The chaos of my life has caused an emotional vertigo.  Spiraling out of control are my wants, plans, dreams, feelings, fears, doubts and what I know to be true in my heart.  It's a battle of wills.  Mine against God's, and I wonder why I'm having such a time of letting go of the last shreds of my will.  I question myself as to why I am afraid.  What could REALLY be better than living the abundant life in Christ?  Nothing!  So why do I hold back?

July has been a difficult month.  A feeling of disconnect from my family and my God has left me all but paralyzed emotionally.  My mojo has been missing in regards to jogging regularly and I have been weaker in workouts than I would like.  Weight loss has been slow and I am fighting discouragement and doubt more than in months.  Unkind words, deeds and actions have been my norm and I've hurt myself and others regularly.  Tears have been plenty, hurts have framed my thinking and my feelings have taken too big a part on the stage of my life. 

I need a breath of fresh air.  Longing for newness of purpose and passion I keep doing what is comfortable but struggling with the pinching pains of change.  I feel weary to the core and thoughts of quitting are taunting me.  I long for the promised land, but have dreams of Egypt.  Who am I?  What defines me?  What makes me?

Sara Groves has a song that speaks to me.  I want to share it with you all. I really want to press on to victory.  Revelation, understanding and true humility and my desires.  The sand is worth it IF it brings me closer to Jesus.   

Thanks for reading fellow pilgrims.  This journey is hard, but let's make the most of it!!

Crunchy Knees and Divided Hearts

Snap, crackle pop.  Remember that old Rice Krispies commercial?  Well lately that's been the sound that resonates from me.  My right knee has become increasingly more and more "crunchy".  There hasn't been much pain until recently.  I was adjusted last week by my chiropractor and my teacher/trainer has given me some exercises to isolate my knee and to strengthen hips etc.  So I'm praying that the pain/crunch will get better.  Also, I'm going to buy a support and keep on keeping on with my training program.  Learning to listen to my body and know when to rest is hard for me, but it's a skill I'm developing.  Ice, rest, modifying exercises...this is all a part of my life right now and I'm having to deal with it. 
Even more troubling though is my newest condition.  Accompanying my "crunchy" knee is a divided heart.  I must admit that I have been struggling with fear, worry and the "what ifs".  What if I can't run anymore?  What if I put weight back on and I come to a stand still in my progress?  No more lunges?  No more squats?  What will I do for cardio?  I've come too far to go back.  Morbid obesity is just NOT an option for me.  My life is different.  I've changed.  I'm grateful!  Because of this fear and anxiety I've back off not only on training, but I haven't been as diligent/careful in my eating.  Apathy and laziness are lurking and it's frightening!!!

It's more than that.  Even in the midst of one of the most encouraging times of my life, I'm struggling with doubt.  This is in life, not just in my weight loss journey.  The ugly monsters of fear, doubt, apathy, confusion, instability, laziness are lurking on the horizon.  It's as if they are waiting in hopes to destroy, steal, ruin. 

I'm feeling double minded and a bit divided these days.  God's Word talks about this.  James 1:5-8 says "If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. ⁶ But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind. ⁷ For that person must not suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; ⁸ he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways." (ESV) I don't want to be unstable in my life.  I want wisdom.  I NEED wisdom to know how to eat, how to work out, how to live my life, how to parent, how to school, etc. James 4:7-9 (NLT) says "⁷ So humble yourselves before God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. ⁸ Come close to God, and God will come close to you. Wash your hands, you sinners; purify your hearts, for your loyalty is divided between God and the world. ⁹ Let there be tears for what you have done. Let there be sorrow and deep grief. Let there be sadness instead of laughter, and gloom instead of joy.".  Am I truly sorrowful and repentant in regards to my food addiction, compulsive eating, lack of discipline?  I don't want my loyalties to be divided between God and the world.  I want God to have my WHOLE heart, mind and soul.  Romans 12:1-2 says that the transformation starts by presenting my body and then allowing God to renew/transform my mind.  These are the ways I WANT to live, the ways I STRIVE to live, the ways I'm LEARNING to live. 

I'm also struggling with comparison.  The green-eyed monster of envy holds me captive sometime and all I can see are beautiful, thin, talented, creative, debt free, "together" people.  My life seems boring, normal, out of control, hopeless and pointless when it's up against the lives of those kinds of people.  This is such a pointless, self-defeating, displeasing to God kind of attitude, mindset.  It's stinkin' thinkin' and I fall prey to it FAR TOO OFTEN.  The glass half empty mindset has been my m.o. for years and I'm ready for a paradigm shift. 

Gotta kick start my heart.  Gonna rest my knee.  Gotta cleanse my body and mind.  Gonna take control again of my eating.  Gotta lift heavier weights.  Gotta run a little longer.  Gonna get more rest.  Gotta drink more water.  Gonna pray for wisdom.  Gotta keep presenting myself to God and live my life with short accounts, clean hands and a pure heart.  Gonna keep on fighting the good fight!!!

Pic of the Day

Here are some pics my trainer/instructor took today after class.  I'm down 82.6 pounds at this point.  Just a mere 3.5 pounds from my first digit changing.  I can feel the "happy dance" about to start.