When There Aren't Any Words

It's been FAR too long since I've posted in this blog.  I could go on and on about all of the reasons and bore you with details about my life.  I won't.  I'll just say that this blog has not been a priority.  

That's a word for you.  Priority.  What are my priorities?  Which things in my life hold places of prominence?  Which relationships?  Which goals, dreams and hopes?  How do I organize my life?  Is my time managed wisely?  These are questions that I have been pondering for months.  The loving, gracious and patient Holy Spirit has been prompting me in these last weeks to focus in on what is important.  My version of important and His are very different.  Micah 6:8 says "He has told you, O man, what is good; and what does the Lord require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God?" Also Phil. 4:8 reminds me that I am to "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things."

Admitting to you that my perspective has been skewed isn't easy.  Publicly admitting that I'm not the person I want to be or should be is humbling.  None of my relationships are getting the attention they deserve.  This home is a wreck.  Spiritually, my life is weak.  The 17 year marriage is holding on because of all the work I've invested in the past, but isn't getting current attention.  Sweet children are surviving.  The home school that meets here is barely educating.   Eating habits are sliding.  Weight is fluctuating.  Goals are not getting met.  Dreams are fading.     

"In my hurt, at my worst, when my world falls down.  Not for a moment will You forsake me.  Not for a moment will you forsake me."  The Lord is constant and His mercies are new every morning.  I don't deserve ONE of them, yet He lovingly and willingly pours them out on me moment by moment.  

Today there are words.  Today I say "Lord, with your help I will try AGAIN.".  Today I cry out "I need you to fix me and restore to me the joy of YOUR salvation.".  Today there are words that relate my pain, hurt, grief, sorrow, fear, doubt, uncertainty, joy and willingness.  Today my heart, mind and mouth unite in speaking the beauty, grace, majesty, mercy, forgiveness, holiness and justice of my Lord.  My heart desires to be a DOER of the Word and not a hearer only.  I will keep going, growing, changing, trying, living, laughing, loving, breathing, dreaming, hoping, forgiving and pursuing.  Today I will BE in the moment what I was called to be and I will walk ONE step at a time with my God.  Today.  That's all I have.

Finding Time Vs. Making Time

So I'm struggling once again with the old ways of thinking. I'm finding myself having a really hard time exercising more than 2X-3X/week. Please hear me, I'm so grateful that I can move my body and that I have the opportunity to workout 2X a week in a class and often run once a week. However, I understand to keep melting this fat and sculpting my body to what I want it to become I simply HAVE TO MOVE MORE. This means 5-6X/week.

I am up by 5:30 am. Nathan and I have coffee and we talk briefly. Then we each have a time of individual Bible study. I'm currently doing a precept study on I and II Thessalonians. I just finished Lord, I'm Torn Between Two Masters. This is a study on the Sermon on the Mount. It was my second time going through this book and I enjoyed it while being challenged afresh and anew. After our time of study we wake the kiddos up at 6:30 (actually they are already awake, we just let them come out of their rooms). Then we eat breakfast together. After that we read Jesus Calling for kids. We all take turns reading that day's devotions ("oceans" as the bubs call it). Then Nathan blesses us. I fix his lunch and he kisses us all goodbye. Then our day starts in a FLASH. Tues./Thurs. I already have carved out a chunk of my day to make it to my 8:30 am circuit training class with Leslie. The class lasts 1 hour and with driving time and "chat time" I'm usually gone 2 hours. Then it's shower, feed the kiddos lunch and try to get some schooling and chores done that day. Tuesdays are full because of our involvement in Celebrate Recovery. So the issue is I need to find a time to get some movement in on Mon./Wed./Friday. I have been attending a Wed. night exercise class, but the last several weeks I have been unable to make it. Saturdays I usually trail run. It is tough to find or MAKE even 20 minutes on these days. Between school, doctor's appts, therapy, naps, baths, meals, etc.

I'm open to suggestions. I'm open to help. I guess it boils down to that saying that "you make time for things that are important". I'm gonna have to discipline myself to MAKE time to move 5-6X/week. What a struggle. Just wanted to put this "out there". If I write about it, maybe I can process it more effectively and get over the fence of apathy.