PMS=TMI

For the most part I have my overeating/compulsive eating under control.  I no longer have ANY desire to eat too much, or to push myself to the point of "no return".  Feeling bloated, uncomfortable and gross just isn't for me anymore.  There isn't any food that tastes good enough to endure that kind of feeling.

YET.....there are a few days each month when all common sense and true knowledge/growth seem to escape me.  I'm writing because I'm in those dreaded days known as PMS.  As a matter of fact I'm five days late, and I'm miserable.  Mentally, physically, emotionally I'm struggling.  I ate a salad for lunch BUT it had too much chicken.  Chicken I might add from Kentucky Fried Chicken.  Yes I took the skin off the chicken, but still...sheesh that stuff is nasty, greasy.  I ate too quickly, I ate too much.  I even tasted some of the skin.  GROSS!!! 

Why do I feel so out of control?  By keeping good track of my cycle I am aware of when I'm to start.  That's why I'm wondering why I still do STUPID things like allowing myself to get too hungry, thus the overeating.  I also will eat "just a bit of this" or a "bit of that" to try and "satisfy" me and it always creates an urge, a longing for more.  Is this beast ever going to die??? When will there be a day when food has no more power over me?  It's just food for crying out loud.  It's like a fire.  I just need to STOP, DROP and ROLL.  If I could just take a moment, a deep breath, walk away and realize what I'm about to do.  I'm so close to my first goal and yet it feels like I'm a million miles away on days like today when I make such foolish choices.  These foolish, rash choices undo hard work that's been done.  It's a cycle of insanity and I'm ready to get off the hamster wheel. 

Picking myself up, putting on the armor of God, realizing all of the progress I HAVE made, I'm gonna keep on keeping on and fight this good fight.  It IS a good fight.  Being humbled in the last year and a half of my life has been the best experience.  Coming into the majesty that I was created IN and created FOR has been powerfully freeing and glorious.  My body is the temple of the Holy Spirit and when I abuse it I in turn grieve Him.  It's not just about overeating, eating junk, it's a spiritual battle for me.  Integrity, honor, truth and justice...that's what I'm after.  I'm finding it by sharing with others.  Today's lunch = minor fail.  Believe me I've had failures of more epic proportions.  Once again I'm so grateful that I'm not measured by successes and failures.  I'm not measured by the scale.  I'm not measured by a tape measure.  My worth is in JESUS!!! 

Jesus made me, fearfully and wonderfully, a woman.  PMS isn't a curse.  It's a gift.  I just have to learn to handle it, take account of it, work with it not against it.  Each month is a chance to learn, grow and try it again.  For just a brief minute today I laughed out loud and said..."what if I'm pregnant".  Oh boy....that's for another post. 

Thanks as always for reading my ramblings. 

A Little of This and a Little of That

That seems to be what I'm eating lately.  I can't keep my face out of food.  At dinner last night I overate.  Yesterday's lunch was less than "clean".  Three EXTREMELY stressful days and unfortunately I have reverted back to old coping skills.  Monday and Tuesday weren't as bad as yesterday.  I also did not do any exercise on Sunday, Monday or Wednesday. 

My dear friend Leslie even warned me about "post race" patterns that I have developed.  This go around though hasn't been nearly as unsettling or counterproductive as the previous two times.  The emotional stability in our home is volatile at best.  Our oldest son Joseph is going through a rough time right now and we are all on edge.  Even though I haven't really undone progress I've made the troubling part is I haven't been proactive in making good decisions or even trying to exercise.  When fear and stress enter into the picture I find myself becoming increasingly apathetic when it comes to clean eating/exercise.  This is troubling to me because those two things, clean eating and exercise, should be weapons to fight off stress and pain.  So...yeah that I didn't binge/pig out/make stupid decisions.  Boo....to the fact that I didn't fight hard enough. 

Note to self....a reminder of sorts-when eating out, go ahead and get that "to go" box at the start of your meal and make half of it go bye-bye immediately!  Another note to self....when you have already made a choice in your brain that helps you avoid a "bad" eating situation...FOLLOW THROUGH AT ALL COSTS!!!

Have a good day.  Thanks for reading. 

Out of Control

Ok.....once again I'm sharing something extremely personal.  I'm praying that by sharing that I can get out from under it's "power".  I don't find it strange that this would happen right on the heels of such an important breakthrough.  I'm feeling completely out of control, and my eating is showing it.  I know there is something spiritual to this battle too.

We had the blessing of staying at a local Bed and Breakfast, the Inn Around the Corner.  Nancy Schnepp is a WONDERFUL cook and she and her husband Roger are just precious people with the gift of hospitality.  Saturday night Nathan and I indulged at a local restaurant, Que Sera.  I had duck with a black cherry glaze and wilted spinach.  I also had bread, wine, cookies, you name it.  I told Leslie on Tuesday that I hadn't over done.  I honestly thought I hadn't and in perspective to the OLD me, I did MUCH better.  However, for the NEW me I blew it.  I set myself up for TOTAL failure.  Some serious trigger foods.  Then Nathan made cookies, homemade chocolate chips, AWESOME cookies.  I had four yesterday.  What's the deal???  Yes, I can blame some of this on hormones as I'm on day 28 of my cycle (TMI I know).  I've skipped meals to try and make up for it (BIG mistake).  I've had smoothies, I've pushed water, I've eaten vegetables, I've tried all of these "things", but I've not gotten back on track.  I've eaten poorly.  I skipped a workout on Thursday because I wasn't feeling physically or mentally up to it.  Edgy, guilty, hopeless, shameful, angry, frustrated...these are some emotions I've felt this week. 
Just because the food is before me doesn't mean I have to eat it.  Why did I break down this week???

I am GOING to start journaling again today.  I have used My Fitness Pal in the past, but I have some questions about it.  It's hard to know how to count some of the foods.  Knowing how many calories, serving size, etc. can be difficult.  I want to read Master Your Metabolism and the Eat Clean Diet books.  I've thought about a cleanse/fast.  I've even looked into inpatient treatment.  I'm so desperate right now. 

Just typing this has made me feel a little better.  A friend of mine told me just recently (in a comment here) that she can tell I don't ever "want to go back".  That is so true.  I don't want to be the "old" me, the distracted me, the me that was in denial, the me with the "hole in my soul" that I filled with food, relationships, things instead of Jesus. 

Have a good weekend, and if you think of it...pray for me, think of me, leave me a comment. 

Janelle